Television Articles

Da-da da-da da-da da-da etc... you know - that shit fucking "tune" they play all the time. Funnily enough our last article was about CBB two years ago. Perhaps there will just be this article, and then nothing else for another two years. Our own showbiz kitten, Amanda Shadbolt, summarises as best she can from what little of it she has bothered to watch so far. Full Story

Things have been quiet here at Eclectic House for a while, but we have decided that ugly, thick, talentless moron, Jade Goody's self-destruction on the rocks of her own repugnant ignorance is a delicious irony too exquisite to let pass uncommented. The very thing that made her famous: her crass stupidity, ignorance, and her ridiculously misguided belief that a total lack of manners somehow qualified her as "real", is now tearing her undeserved celebrity status apart. Full Story

Saddam arse-kissing, cigar chomping, self-promoting, oil scandal-denying MP for Bethnal Green and Bow, George Galloway becomes the first Member of Parliament to feature in a low-brow television show. The mental Scottish MP is expected to spend his time in the house shamelessly showing off and acting the total cunt he so obviously is, while in his head convinced he's popular and clever. His constituents may well be asking what the fuck is he doing there, and why isn't he in the House (of commons), where he's meant to be? Fat Alex Pesticidus gives his critical opinion of all the show's latest crop of housemates. Full Story

Bulldog-faced alcoholic "actress" Elaine Lordan, who is best known for falling about drunk in tacky nightclubs full of morons, has had to pull out of ITV's flagship shit programme for never-has-been "celebrities". The show pulls in nearly ten millions of thick British viewers despite the fact that it scrapes the barrel of ZZZ-list chimps. Alex Pesticidus gives his unwelcome opinion on the shit show as it starts its fifth equally unwelcome series. Full Story

Posh sneering toff tarts Trinny and Susannah have signalled the end of their television careers in the traditional way, by agreeing to go to ITV. The channel that ruined The Goodies, Morecombe and Wise and turned Des Lynam from sophisticated Ladies Man into a sad old fart have now signed the two air-headed posh bints with nothing better to fill their minds than thinking about clothes. The difficult question on the minds of many of Britain's viewers tonight after yet another defection to ITV of well-liked BBC stars can only be: given the increasing cost of the license fee, which one of them would you rather shag? Alex Pesticidus has the answer. Full Story

The Mitchell Brothers both got "chinned off a lass" today in an extraordinary day for the bald pair of bald actors. First Ross Kemp took a kicking off his mental ginger wife, then Steve McMitchell got attacked by an un-named woman. Telly Gossip columnist Alex Pesticidus likes a bit of handbags. Full Story

Rubbish cockney soap opera Eastenders has brought back its two baldest villains, Grant and Phil Mitchell, in the hope of winning back some of the morons who stopped watching it after they left. Our TV critic Alex Pesticidus tries to come up with an article about the comeback, without resorting to watching it. Full Story

Big Brother is apparently not rubbish after all, according to the show's ugly, thick, beak-nosed, tattooed pikey presenter, Davina McCall. She attacked the show's critics today, calling them "psuedo-intellectuals", which only serves to re-inforce her image as a shallow, overpaid, ignorant fuckwit. None of our staff ever watch the programme, and don't even know if it's running or not. Except Simon, who can't help getting really angry at the merest mention of the show. Full Story

Totally shit channel ITV has been forced to axe two of its new reality shows after even Britain's hard core of square-eyed imbeciles were not prepared to watch them. It's no secret that the channel's executives are totally clueless wankers who couldn't come up with a watchable programme idea if their lives (or their share options) depended on it. Their only show is Coronation Street, a 40 year-old soap about quaint and boring Northerners eating hot pot in a pub. This is a programme they have obviously had no involvement with, having inherited it from the days of steam television, and is now all they've got left. Simon Coggeshall is unable to watch the channel, but nevertheless is able to make snide comments about anybody vaguely connected with ITV, including its viewers. Full Story

Bald celebrity Grant Mitchell is set to return to Eastenders after a six year attempt at forging an acting career on rubbish channel ITV comes to an end. Mitchell, 40, has struggled to reproduce the early form of his career, and has never quite equalled the brilliance he displayed in his earliest television role in which he played a man with some hair, grinning inanely at the camera in the Kellogs Fruit and Fibre advert. Full Story

The latest show to be brought back by TV executives devoid of ideas, is to be The Krypton Factor. Literally hundreds of people were glued to their sets on a Thursday evening (or was it Monday?) to watch a group of boring civil servants and middle management tosspots battle it out in a cross between Screen Test and We are the Champions. Our lazy TV writer, Alex Pesticidus, has been notably absent recently, and has had his arse kicked into writing something for a change. Full Story

It's the most eagerly awaited television moment for years, the return of Doctor Who. The badly written, poorly acted, load of rubbish is back this month. Millions of ugly men without girlfriends can't wait, but will they be as disappointed as Crossroads fans when ITV ressurrected that? Even if it's as bad as it can possibly be, and I think it will be, it will still be so much better than anything ITV have ever made, or will ever make. Full Story

The latest over-hyped, over-here US series to hit Channel Four made its debut last night to a healthy number of viewers. Channel Four is hoping the same mixture of suburban deadbeats and imaginationless tossers who like Richard Curtis films and read Nick Hornby or Dan Brown books and watched such total shit as Friends, Sex and the City and Ally McBeal will now become hooked on this. We all watched it together in the TV area of Eclectic House, with some takeaway curry and plenty of high quality gin. We even watched next weeks episode on E4 straight afterwards because we were enjoying it so much and we wanted more (I'm talking about the gin, naturally). Since it's Alex Pesticidus's job to do TV reviews, he gives his view. Full Story

Eclectic House's favourite man of a thousand identically bald monotone voices, Ross Kemp, is set to reprise his only character in a new series. If a spate of worrying new reports are to be believed, viewers will be able to look forward to not watching the actor of undiscernable talent give yet another masterclass in the art of being paid. Kemp is best known to millions of Sun reading morons for playing himself in Eastenders, then appearing in a series of dreadful "dramas" on ITV1, a channel with a proud tradition of producing compellingly missable programmes, all peppered with moronic and irritating adverts. The breadth and depth of Kemp's ITV performances established once and for all the indisputable talent possessed by the BBC's Eastenders type-casting department. Full Story

The shit spin-off from unfathomably popular sit-com Friends has caused a bidding war between ITV and channels four and five. Channel Four are thought to have had first option, but look set to drop out after Warner Bros demanded a ludicrous amount of money for what is obviously going to be a total and utter shower of shit. Full Story

The woman at the centre of the annual holiday season news vacuum will appear on low-brow, completely fucking rubbish terrestrial television channel ITV on Monday night in a highly paid audition for a part in a soap, or reality gameshow. ITV's quite staggeringly piss-poor "documentary" series, "Tonight with Trevor McDonald", will feature the former secretary who almost caused a ripple of public interest after shagging all the ugly old wankers at the FA, including bumbling, bulb-headed, bald England Coach Sven Goran Eriksson. Our arts correspondant Simon Coggeshall has a drunken bitch about Alam, Sven and ITV. Full Story

Yes! Those gravel throated, egg-whisk and sink plunger equipped dustbins on casters, the Daleks are back. It seems that they will now after all appear in the new series of Doctor Who. As the best ever Doctor Who enemies, the Daleks have appeared in numerous different storylines in which they have narrowly failed to outwit a series of ridiculous old hams, camping it up in front of their scantily clad assistants. Are the Daleks going to be as good as they used to be, or are they going to be ruined by a ridiculous attempt to modernise them? Our resident Doctor Who nutcase, Linux Darkstar is practically creaming himself at the prospect of an all new Dalek-based adventure. Full Story

Channel Four's moronic shambles of a programme has outstayed its welcome by at least three series. This time they've deliberately gone for a bunch of absolute ignoramuses, whose dreadful behaviour has finally resulted in the producer's ultimate goal - sex on television. Big fucking deal. Now that two thick, useless idiots have had sex under a table, perhaps it's finally time to wake up and say "for fuck's sake, what are we doing allowing this fucking shit on the telly?" Is it time that television as a whole took a serious look at itself? Full Story