Sports Articles

Bald, bulb-headed lothario Sven Goran Eriksson has insisted he is staying on in his 4.5 million pound job as England coach despite having qualified for the World Cup one game early. The stubborn Swede is determined to lead England to a glorious World Cup quarter-final penalty shoot-out defeat, even if it means enduring the highest wages paid to any international manager, including that of World Cup holders Brazil. Ours sports dick, The Binge, is in Manchester for tonight's game. Full Story

Baldy bulb-headed England coach Sven Goran Eriksson faces a tough test this week with two must-win games and a growing list of injuries after last month's humiliation by Northern Ireland. The Binge, who is still angry, and is only now able to even think about England, talks to him about his tactics. Full Story

Amid falling attendances, Chelsea's bank-rolled dominance and drab goalless draws, many are saying the Premiership has had it's day and is now boring. With interest in other sports such as cricket also growing, the self-inflicted shitness of the top flight division is becoming clearer every season. The Binge has been saying it's been shit for years, and thinks that even the stupid morons who buy replica shirts are beginning to realise this at long last. Full Story

Manchester United's comedy trio, The Three Stooges, have been up to their side-splitting antics once again. In their latest hilarious adventure, Mo Ronaldo, Wayne Curly and Rio "Larry" Ferdinand miss the team coach and decide to hire a limousine to get them back to Old Trafford after a friendly in Scotch-land. Once again their foolhardy antics incur the wrath of their purple-nosed gaffer, Alex Ferguson. The Binge reports. Full Story

Ha ha, we won the olympic bid, much to the hubris of the arrogant, nineteenth century, right-wing dinosaur, Jaques Chirac. That'll teach you to take the piss out of our food. Chirac should remember that he only got into power after the French were about to vote in a fascist, and had to act quickly to get in someone a bit less right wing. The Binge is going to write his rubbish article before going off on a 24-hour booze bender to celebrate. Full Story

Once again, it's the time of year for middle-aged housewives, posh free-loaders, minor royalty, students and anybody else with no need to go to work to get all interested in tennis for two weeks. Can Tim Henman get past the Quarter-finals this year and really go for the title, or is he just a silly posh-boy whose role is to attract huge crowds of stupid, drunk middle-aged women to sit on "Henman Hill", drinking and wearing stupid Union Jack hats, waving tragic home-made placards, before capitulating when he's within sight of victory? Our Sports writer, Robert Binge, has just returned from the first day's play extremely drunk, and dangerously sun-burned. Full Story

Thick, ugly, drink driving, drug test avoiding footballer Rio Ferdinand has been awarded our top sporting gong after a season of stupidity which has seen him head-butt a Swedish Gangster, get caught drink driving for the umpteenth time and set off Hotel fire extiguinshers in an unfunny repeat of a prank that made both Gazza and Stan Collymore look like total dicks. The Binge, who is the drinking man's Peter Crouch, presents his round up of the football season, colloquially known as The Binges. Full Story

A Russian businessman has won this year's premiership, the first to be auctioned on the internet auction site, ebay. Even though this is primarily a sports story, our four-eyed computer spod, Linux Darkstar, reports. Full Story

The journalists at The Times will be creaming themselves stupid after skinny whinger Paula Radcliffe won the annual London Fun Run. Expect to see her face all over the front page of that paper tommorrow, regardless of whatever else happens. Usually we get our Sports Writer Robert Binge to have a go at Paula, but our newest staff writer, Amanda Shadbolt, wants to give her penny's worth - metaphorically speaking, since the real value of her opinions is far less than a penny. Full Story

Azerbaijan coach Carlos Alberto launched an astonishing attack on Michael Owen, for no apparent reason. The fat ex-Brazil captain's main claim to fame was fluking an eyes-closed, long range punt in the 1970 World Cup final after Pele and Jairzinho had already done all the hard work and the match was already over. This has made our press very angry, not least of all The Binge, who thinks he knows the real reason for the comical rant. Full Story

Despite his Tory background, Lord Coe has been getting all friendly with Tessa Jowell and ignorant, lunatic, self-promoting, nasal twit, Ken Livingstone, in order to promote London's 2012 Olympic Bid. They all got together to receive the IOC delegates, who will visit each of the bidding cities, then make a decision based on which one lays on the best and most free booze, drugs, envelopes of money and most importantly, prostitutes. Coe has promised to make London the best games ever, but there's clearly a lot of work to do. For a start, converting Stratford from a total and utter shithole, into something vaguely approaching the hopelessly optimistic vision depicted in many artists impressions. The Binge is, as always, on Sports. Full Story

Hooray, it's that time of year again, when a few idiotic tits decide to stay up all night to watch some load of old shit in which steroid pumped imbeciles run at each other dressed in full body armour over a period of many tedious televised hours, ninety-eight percent of which is adverts. Last year, Janet Jackson deliberately exposed one of her expensively bejewelled breasts. This resulted in more news coverage than was generated by the game, which is not surprising because the game itself is total and utter shit. What is surprising is that anybody would think Janet Jackson is either talented, or that her breasts are worth seeing. More surprising is that anybody even noticed since the biggest and most obvious tit of the evening was Justin Timberlake, an ugly talentless turd, who has nevertheless been surprisingly popular with extremely thick pre-pubescent girls. This year they've asked Paul McCartney to "provide the entertainment". The Binge thinks that they should take a leaf out of proper football's book, then getting a pop star in would not be necessary because the game itself would be worth watching, unless of course Middlesbrough were playing. Full Story

The latest in a long line of thick footballers, whose sense of their own value has been distorted out of all proportion by their ridiculous wages, is Newcastle's Craig Bellend. This time it's funny because, surprisingly for Craig, refusing to play where he was told has not resulted in offers from Inter Milan and in fact, no club is prepared to pay the sort of money for him he mistakenly thinks he merits. The question is then, why should Newcastle? Well, because it's their own fault for agreeing to pay it in the first place, and Bellamy's not the only one at the club who seem to have made it their policy to recruit disloyal, badly behaved, overpaid, mediocre players (mostly from Ipswich). Our sports writer, Rob Binge, knows what it's like at the tough end of the game. His record of four goals in over fifty appearances for Grange Road Juniors speaks for itself, allowing him to give his opinion on the Bellamy saga. Full Story

We always suspected that referees and linesmen all secretly support Manchester United, and now we have the proof. Officials amazingly disallowed Pedro Mendes's 45-yard screamer, which would have won the match for Spurs. The ball was helped on its way into the back of the net by an absolute howler from United's rubbish keeper, Roy Carroll, that made even David Seaman wince with embarrassment. Our Sports writer, Robert "The Binge" Binge threw his can of lager at our office 42-inch plasma screen when the goal was disallowed, even though he actually supports Watford. His childish and ill-written contribution, which has ended up more than fifty percent shorter after editing out most of the bad language, is the first article of the new year. Full Story

The man who has been sacked from almost as many managerial jobs as Alan Ball, is to take charge of Wolverhampton Wanderers. He also lost his job advertising Shredded Wheat, because of his inabilty to say anything without prefixing it with "At the end of the day ...". This was unsurprisingly deemed to be disadvantagous when promoting a breakfast product, and was the real reason that Nabisco dropped him even if the official excuse was blamed on the public disintegration of his marriage. Today's appointment may just be the perfect match, since Hoddle shares the same delusions as the Black Country club that they are in fact good enough to challenge for the premiership title in spite of years and years of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Since this is a sports story, The Binge has had to stop playing Half-Life 2 for ten minutes to write this. Full Story

The friendly match between England and Spain was one of the worst matches we've ever had to sit through. England's performance was dreadful, which led to some shameful behaviour from some of our players. However, how much of this was down to the frustration of being outplayed, and how much of it was from the neanderthal racial taunting from sections of the Spanish fans is difficult to tell. The Binge gives his verdict. Full Story

Paula Radcliffe has made a triumphant return to fun run running, by winning the annual New York primary schools egg and spoon race. The win comes just as she's about to release her auto-biography which is guaranteed to be very bit as mindnumbingly tedious as long distance running itself. Our sports writer, The Binge, does next to no work whatsoever, but always finds time to write about Paula, even though the last time he ran anywhere it made him sick after about a hundred metres. Full Story

Crying fun-run runner, Paula Radcliffe, is apparently being paid $300,000 to run the New York Marathon, it is being reported in some newspapers. One paper reports this as $11,450 per mile, but it actually works out better than that as crafty Radcliffe will probably only run the first ninety-percent, boosting her earnings even higher, to nearer $12,723 per mile. She is hoping to beat the bloke in the gorilla costume and the pantomime horse while wearing her own trademark comedy outfit of huge sunglasses, synchronised swimming nose-clip and a matching top and shorts which are two sizes too small. Our lanky Sports writer, Robert Binge, is always keen to have a pop at Paula with his column, but must instead make do with writing this childish article. Full Story

This weekend it's the battle of the two best teams in Britain as England take on Wales. England have got Rooney, Ferdinand, Beckham, Owen, Wright-Phillips, Campbell and Lampard while Wales have Englishman Ryan Giggs. The whole of Britain will have their eyes on the match because even the jealous Jocks will be watching, supporting Wales, rather than watching their own team get stuffed something-nil by Norway. The Binge is getting really excited as he looks forward to watching the match with several cases of export strength lager. The rest of the staff are just looking forward to the lager. Full Story

Boo-hoo, the nasty men in the press said some bad things about them, so England's overpaid, thick players have got the nerve to be angry, as if they are beyond criticism no matter how badly they play. In particular, David Thickham and Gary Chaville both think they're somehow special enough to be able to play as badly as they like without so much as a word being said about it. The Binge reckons this poor attitude is probably the reason for Paul Scholes deciding to retire from International football. Full Story

Bulb-headed England coach, Sven Goran Eriksson has shrugged off the possibility of getting sacked from his £4m a year job. "I may know FA about tactics but I know many things about the FA", he hinted darkly. Eriksson, 71, also explained how much he was looking forward tonight's fixture in Kotowice. "I haven't been to Poland before, so it will be very interesting for me to see what their women are like." he explained. "Also, for me, I don't think it will be as difficult as playing away somewhere like Austria last week, as I would expect Polish women to be generally less fussy and more grateful". Full Story

Once again, there we were comfortably ahead, the beers were going down nicely and then what happens? How many times have England made stupid mistakes and just thrown games down the khazi? We watched the match here at Eclectic House on our 40 inch plasma, and for 70 minutes we were almost enjoying ourselves. As usual, a couple of minutes of madness turned the game to the point where we had to feel thankful for a point. Shellshocked and angry, we snubbed Sky's appalling post-match analysis and rather pointedly went to the pub in disgust. Full Story

Ooh, the little tease! Is she going to run the 10,000 metres or not? Our new sports writer Robert Binge is not holding his breath. This is primarily because it makes him dizzy, but also because he thinks that Radcliffe is behaving like a spoilt primadonna, by trying to upstage Britain's medal winning athletes. The Binge, as he's already becoming known, lays it on the line for Radcliffe: either get on with it and run or shut your skinny, whining face. Full Story

British runner Paula Radcliffe is apparently baffled as to the cause of her failure to win the Olympic Gold Medal in the Marathon. Here at Eclectic House, we dare not claim to be experts when it comes to women's athletics, but it seems to us that the problem might be something to do with her having stopped running a few miles too early. Full Story

It seems that bulb headed England coach Sven Goran Eriksson just can't keep his knob in his pants for more than five minutes. Is this reason enough for him to lose his job though? So what if he shagged some stupid kiss and tell bimbo you ask? Well, she was his boss's bit on the side, so that might complicate things. Is this all lies and tabloid nonsense, or a good chance to get rid of a coach who has done pretty well, but is beginning to show signs of being a tactically inept charlatan, who only took the job in order to attract women? Our staff give their opinions. Full Story