I hate Wimbledon. It's not the tennis, it's the crowd. A dreadful mixture of toffy, oity-toity, chinless wankers drinking Pimms, stupid middle-aged women on their one and only annual outing, weird blokes in anoraks who have come to watch the women players with binoculars and Press Scum. Actually, the Press Scum are alright, they're my best fucking mates if I think about, and I suppose I, in fact, am one of them. Me. Yes. Cheers.
So, we went to watch that big, lantern-jawed yank one, who's pretending to be British. He won, but not all that convincingly - about as convincing a win as his claim to be British in fact. Elsewhere, our other unknown and unranked players were thrashed by unknown and unranked players from other countries.
Tim's turn tommorrow. He's expected to win. He should at least make it into the second week of the tournament. That used to be enough when Jeremy "Mastur" Bates was playing. Now we all expect Henman to win. He won't. Here's why: Tennis in this country is only played by a small handful of posh children. Compare it with darts or snooker and you can see how we murder anybody. This is because it's open to all, not just the few Enid Blyton characters who have a court in their garden. In every other country in the World, Tennis is taken seriously as a sport. In Britain it can be summed up by the foppish, chinless, horse-toothed, posh imbecile in Noel Coward's play, who sticks his stupid in-bred head through the patio doors and brays "Anyone for tennis?" in his ridiculous upper-class twit's voice. This is why we will never win Wimbledon.
The other thing about darts is that it's played in the sort of tough environment in which we Brits thrive. A smoky, boozy, dingy den. These sort of harsh conditions would soon see off most of today's top tennis stars, who have become far too accustomed to a routine of training, practice, finicky dieting and glucose drinks. I guarantee you, if they made it compulsary to neck a pint in between games, we'd soon start to see what the likes of Andy Roddick and so-called Serena Williams are made of.