Tonight's a big night for England coach Sven Goran Eriksson, after he came away from Vienna with very little to show for his efforts. After seventy minutes of fairly promising chat up, he looked as though he'd managed to persuade the attractive Fraulein he'd slimed his way over to in the hotel bar, to accompany him back to his room. But then two minutes of madness and a couple of schoolboy errors left him empty handed. "I got a snog", he explained, "which is not a bad result when you come somewhere like Austria. There are very few easy international women these days."
The nation expects Eriksson to pull tonight, and if he fails again, the tabloid press will have the knives out for him. Veteran footballing womaniser, George Best, who has recently carved a highly successful career as a drunk, gave us his verdict. "On paper, Poland looks like it should be a walkover. All Eriksson should have to do is get in there and be confident and stay focused. However, I don't think the English public will be satisfied with just a plain looking woman. They're expecting Sven to come up with the goods and pull a real cracker."
Eriksson started off his career in style with big wins in Italy (Nancy Del'Olio) and at home to Sweden (Ulrika Jonsson). Critics have blamed the England coach's recent run of bad form on his refusal to change his tactics. "It's time to drop the FA blazer and slacks" advices former England Lothario Frank Worthington, "He needs to bring in something more dynamic, with a younger feel and stop relying on the same old outfits, when it clearly isn't working."