The News Through Booze Tinted Spectacles http://www.laeclectica.com/ If he's not incompetently babbling utter shit and making a total arse of himself on television, Fat John Prescott can be found driving around in his Jags, punching mullet-haired pikeys, shagging his ugly secretary, lecherously groping at his PA, fiddling expenses and playing croquet when he's supposed to be deputising for Tony Cunt-Blair. Andrew Marbles wonders just what is the point of this incompetent, fat cunt. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?fatscott.ecl Trickster Tony Blair is looking to break yet another World record with his latest amazing escape stunt. Blair, who became famous for his levitation trick, and once spent two weeks in a box above the Thames, is attempting to outdo the great Harry Houdini, with his most daring escape to date. Linux Darkstar reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?escapeblair.ecl Who could believe it? Fat half-wit John Prescott has apparently had an affair. As unbelievable as it seems, the mumbling, pikey-punching, northern twat of a deputy prime-minister has been doing a Cecil Parkinson, and as a result is now at home in his front garden getting pelted with cutlery and crockery from the kitchen by his extremely common wife. Our gossip and showbiz columnist, Amanda Shadbolt, can't believe it. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?prescottaffair.ecl Newsreader and thinking man's totty, Anna Ford is to retire from the BBC after thirty years of working for them as a journalist. It's not just a question of age, as she has had stiff competition over the years. After seeing off Sue Carpenter and easily dealing with Moira Stewart, she has recently been faced with posh blue-stocking totty, Sophie Raworth. Add to that Sky TV, who have got that big tits one and you start to see how it may be time for Anna to hang up her shoulder pads. Who else is capable of writing about such irrelevancies than our own sexagenarian ladies man, Sir Michael Wiggy. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?annford.ecl As we predicted when Blunkuntt was ousted, bungling oaf Charles Clarke was indeed brought in as a temporary fall guy, who Blair was always going to fire as he came in to the total fucking mess left behind by Blunkett. Andrew Marbles reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?patsy.ecl Unsurprisingly, the judge presiding over the sham trial-cum-publicity stunt to see which one of two shit, nearly identical books is best, has concluded that they are BOTH fucking shit. Balding author Dan Brown is now free to go about the business of plagarising another shit book, probably about either Elvis or Princess Diana, while the two retarded rednecks who wrote the other one start their next book about aliens and the Titanic. Simon Coggeshall hates them both. http://www.laeclectica.com/arts/artsarticle.cgi?codeverdict.ecl Shifty warmongering Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw, has been wooing Squirrel-faced, warmongering US Sectretary of State, Condoleeza Rice with a series of dates in his home turf of northern, Premiership buying, hole-riddled town, Blackburn, Lancashire. To try and impress her, Straw took her to a roller disco, followed by a slap-up, all you can eat buffet in Pizza Hut. The besotted pair are then thought to have spend the evening sitting on a bench outside Morrisons, drinking Bacardi Breezers and shouting abuse at passers-by, before Condi's dad turned up and angrily bundled her into the back of his Vauxhall Meriva. Amanda Shadbolt, is Northern, a girl and knows about these things. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?jackandcondi.ecl Tony Blair has launched his latest campaign to appear cool, by making vague, unqualified and frankly ludicrous statements about The Environment. Apparently, it's okay to run a huge chemical manufacturing plant or for asbo scum to burn tyres in their overgrown gardens. Global Warming(tm) is actually the fault of a few people in terraced houses, who haven't lined their roof with quite enough layers of mass-produced petrochemical insulating foam. Simon Coggeshall. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?greenblair.ecl Today marked the start of a strike by public sector workers angry at proposed changes to their pension scheme. Simon Coggeshall was supporting the strike until he realised his rubbish was not going to be collected, at which point he went fucking mental. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?pensionstrike.ecl Prime minister Tony Blair has sensationally admitted to having made a mistake. But wait, this is not an admission of fallability, nor is it in any way an indication that he may have thought again about any one of the countless financial scandals his hand-picked cronies have been involved in. No, what it is instead is that he meant to say that was not going to step down, when he said that he was. Where does this leave boring, tight-fisted killjoy, Gordon Brown, who has been waiting to take over the job nobody wants him to have? Andrew Marbles reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?blairmistake.ecl Microsoft have apparently delayed the launch of the next version of their Windows operating system. Why the fuck anyone thinks this is news is beyond most of us here at Eclectic House. Not because we're technophobic, but simply because every fucking release of Windows is exactly the same, except with a few extra coloured buttons and at least three serious security holes. Our techno-twat Linux Darkstar reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?vistadelay.ecl Radiohead's ugly singer, Thom Yorke, has snubbed Tony Cunt-Blair's latest cynical attempt to try and look cool by associating himself with rock stars. Apparently TCB wanted the wonky-faced singer to come and talk about climate change with him, as if either of them knows the first fucking thing about it. Alex Pesticidus reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?thomsnub.ecl Charlatan and con-man DBC Pierre's laughably piss-poor first attempt at a book was scandalously awarded the Booker Prize after the drunk judges, who in their pathetic middle-class way wanted to try and seem "edgy". Now his second book, which by all accounts is even worse - no mean feat in itself, has received the critical panning it so richly deserves. Our Arts Editor Simon Coggeshall, who was so angry about the last book, is being nauseatingly smug, as he considers himself vindicated. http://www.laeclectica.com/arts/artsarticle.cgi?dbcbook2.ecl We all knew this is what they would do. Make you get an ID card if you want a passport. This way they fuck us all within ten years. Fuck Blair and his shit ID cards. Fuck New Labour. Fuck Gordon Brown and his expectation of automatically becoming Prime Minister. Fuck the other inept and pointless parties for offering absolutely no resistance. How dare they? Eclectic House is a big ball of burning anger tonight, particulary as Tony Cunt-Blair didn't even turn up to vote. Never mind the phrase "creeping compulsion", it's more like "fucked us all royally". Marbles is barely able to contain his rage. http://www.laeclectica.com/news/newsarticle.cgi?idthreat.ecl A bald, fat Irish man in his forties is set to fight accusations that he is in fact cross-dressing eighties drug addict, Boy George. Lawyers representing the ordinary, fat, bald and unremarkable fat bald man, whose only talent is crude, unfunny and barely disguised innuendo and making bitchy comments that reflect more sadly on him than any of his targets, say he is innocent of all charges of being a stupid hat wearing singer of a really rubbish pop act. Alex "Bald Fat" Pesticidus reports. http://www.laeclectica.com/music/musicarticle.cgi?boydrugs.ecl