US Corporate Office Culture killed the lunch break

Michael Wiggy, London, July 15th 2004

More and more Britons are facing up to a lunch break consisting of no more than forcing a prepacked and overpriced sandwich into their faces, while participating in a conference call, or trying to catch up with the ever increasing workload, heaped on them by their ridiculous managers. Managers who have wholeheartedly sold their souls to the American style of management, in the mistaken belief that their decision to increase their chances of a heart attack by over five times is some sort of career move. Perhaps a bigger mistake still is their belief that the Company appreciates their ludicrous subservience. You have to "Talk the talk" they may say, "sing from the same hymn sheet" or some such other load of total and utter hogwash. Who comes up with this rubbish? In over 90 percent of management "communications", as much as 80 percent will be unintelligable rubbish, which if it was taken and marked like a school report, would come back with so much red ink on it that the very paper on which it was written would disintegrate.

Why then are people listening to this nonsense, and why are we prepared to forego our basic rights to a sensible lunch break in the vain hope of being given even more work to do, for more blame or for little or no more pay?

It's time we claimed back our lives and our lunchbreaks! What exactly are they going to do? This is not America, so you cannot be sacked for taking a lunchbreak, whatever they might like you to think - in this country it's illegal. Anyway, what do the idiots who give up their lunch break get as their reward? Increased stress levels, without the benefit of any more pay or even the slightest hint of gratitude.

What can we do? Well, here's a quick five point plan for a better working environment:

• Take the full hour for your lunch and go for a walk or to the pub. Drink AT LEAST three pints. I myself favour a good tawnwy port and two or three expensive cigars. You will feel much more relaxed and the afternoon will go by much quicker.
• Do NOT go to the company Gym. This is still technically work and the company have grudgingly provided these facilities in order that you become more aggressive and focused on your work. Don't be a sheep.
• Have a lie in occasionally and vary your hours if you can. If you're on Flexi-time, use it to the fullest. Come in at 8:00 and go home at 4:00 one day, and another do 10:00 - 6:00. This will disturb all the people who claim to do 8:00 - 4:00 every day, and likely as not, you will find that they very often aren't there at 8:00. If you do this enough, you can do a lot of days where you only work 10:00-4:00.
• Managers will often do stupid things like call a meeting at 6pm, which will last until 8pm. They will then call another at 9am the following day expecting a progress report. In these situations, you should do your best to act uninterested and let them know what a stupid idea it was to expect you to work all night. Never give any specific information, like you needed to pick up your children because they always have ways to try to make you feel guilty. Just be enigmatic, and give the impression that you had grave matters to attend to and try to give them the impression that they really wouldn't want to know any more about it.
• Try to undermine any attempt at extra-work team building organised by management by organising and going on your own instead. Preferably on the same day as the offical event. Let it be clear to them that you are already a strong team, but just not one of which the management can ever be part.