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As Guy Fawkes night approaches, millions of ignorant Britons are blowing their unearned money on fireworks in order to spend an evening away from their tellies for a change. As usual, while the rest of the staff go to bonfire parties, our social outcast and Arts Editor, Simon Coggeshall, is angrily drinking gin. As a mixer, he can turn ordinary lemon squash into bitter lemon by the sheer power of the seething resentment he feels everytime people he considers ignorant are seen to be having fun. Full Story

The unbelievable cheek of retailers, deciding to start Christmas in September with the Summer barely over, has caused much debate in the offices of Eclectic House. Department stores and supermarkets are the worst offenders, offering aisles full of gaudy plastic crap with a tenuous link to the December festival. My staff give their unwelcome and drunken opinions about the Christmas period, which now officially runs from September 25th until 6:30 am on December 25th. Full Story

Lisping middle-class pretend cockney chef, Jamie Oliver, has been campaiging to secure an extra few pence to be spent on school dinner ingredients, while getting himself masses of free publicity. The speech-impaired posh boy, who is best known for tarting about London on a pink scooter pretending he's in a Guy Ritchie film, and saying really embarrassing catchphrases such as "Pukka", has been to Number Ten with a petition of 271,000 signatures. Most of the signees thought they were petitioning to have the rubber-lipped star of advertisments removed from television, rather than about the sorry state of school dinners. The government love this sort of thing and have jumped at the chance to make a pre-election gesture, throwing in a whopping thirteen pence extra for each meal. The staff here at Eclectic House have been in the pub all afternoon discussing this, before coming back here briefly and each quickly throwing together a bit of drunken polemic. Full Story

Crazy boat lady, Ellen McNofriends, has just finished sailing round the world in a high-tech yacht, smashing the World Record. The question on everyone's lips is what will she do next? Well, you can put money on it that she's not going to go down the pub with her mates, because she hasn't got any. She'll just have to go off on her own again in a boat, which is the only life she knows. Should we be proud of what she's achieved, or is the whole thing a high-tech nonsense? My staff are very divided on this issue, and last night's row means that The Binge and Simon Coggeshall are no longer on speaking terms, although they did manage to share a matching set of black eyes. Full Story

The Guardian's attempt to persuade a group of floating US voters to vote against George Bush in the forthcoming US elections has backfired. Their idea was that a group of lefty London teachers and beardy social workers would write hand-wringing, bleeding heart letters to the people of Clark County and try to influence their vote. This has resulted in a backlash of responses from justifiably angry US citizens at this smug interference. The best of the responses however are the ones which are every bit as hilarious as they are illiterate and full of ignorance. But who is best? The gun-toting, squirrel eating rednecks or the leftie socialist, beardy teachers? Simon Coggeshall is more than happy to insult both sides. Full Story

MPs in Sweden are calling for legislation to prevent parents from calling their babies ridiculous names, after one stupid couple tried to name their baby Superman. With ever more ridiculous names appearing in Britain, perhaps it's time a similar law was introduced here. Simon Coggeshall drinks a one litre bottle of Co-Op gin, then has a bit of a rant about some of the names he's heard parents bawling out in supermarkets. Full Story

The invasion of the House of Commons by some toff farmers, who came in by exploiting their old-boy network, continues to fuel debate about a number of interesting political subjects including the effectiveness of the democratic process, Parliamentary security arrangements, New Labour's apparent crusade against the old establishment, Blair's repeated use of the bloodsports debate to dodge more serious issues while attempting to win popular support, the issue of animal cruelty and attempts by sections of the government and popular press to portray country people as in-bred village idiots, like Benny out of Crossroads. Our columnists give their drunken and frankly unwelcome opinions. Full Story

Malingering public sector workers, who have been enjoying upto eight weeks off a year through self-certified "sickness", are to be targeted by a crack team of nurses in an attempt to reduce absence through what is seen as nebulous illness. Under the new scheme, which starts next week, anyone who fancies a day off will have to phone a special helpline and convince the trained nurse on the end of the phone that they really are ill. Unions are already defending their members right to skive off when they have a hangover, and intend to defend the age-old tradition of puttting a hanky over the mouthpiece and affecting a sore throat to get a day off. Is this a good idea, or the thin end of the wedge in terms of abolishing all paid sick leave? Full Story

A government minister has launched a pre-emptive strike in the annual debate over the year on year "improvement" in A-level results. Here at Eclectic House, we do not wish to undermine the efforts of pupils and teachers, but there is a serious issue here. That is everytime anybody attempts to criticise the performance-target obsessed Government's transparent attempts to cover up their own figure massaging, they are immediately accused of doing down the efforts of pupils and teachers alike. I can't believe they've got the fucking cheek to do this every year, and this year David Miliband has struck ahead of the results being published, in the full knowledge that the figures are going to yet again improve upon the previous year because of the little things they have done to ensure that this happens. Simon Coggeshall can always be found spitting with fury every year when this happens. Full Story

It seems that everyone wants to have a go at "Chavs", the new social underclass who have recently been the subject of a torrent of obvious and often barely articulate abuse. Is this simply an easy way for the new middle class to feel good about themselves by allowing them to categorize a social group, to which they find themselves uncomfortably close, as "white trash"? The writer Julie Burchill and author Michael Collins certainly think so and even Simon Coggeshall, who is no stranger to smug and self-satisfied snobbery, finds this latest trend strangely hypocritical. Full Story

The recent trend in adopting American Corporate style management techniques, where such things as breaks and a life outside of work are considered bad for business, is killing the traditional British tea break and the long boozy lunch "hour", that is the birthright of every Englishman, every Scot and every Welshman. Is it time we took the lead from our European neighbours and stuck two fingers up at the whole US-style management bullshit? Ever the man to stand his ground wherever the subject of food, and especially drink, is concerned, Michael Wiggy fights the red, white and blue corner for more time away from the nine-to-five culture. Full Story

Has Bill Gates got a cheek trying to prevent people from copying Windows XP by using sneaky techniques like snooping around on their computers? Simon Coggeshall certainly thinks so, and in a drunken rage, fuelled by yet another driver installation problem, he compares Microsoft's latest underhand tactics to those used by drug dealers. Full Story