I can remember dining at a fine little establishment in remote Elgol on the isle of Skye. The proprietor was a jolly beared Englishman, who found time in between running his restaurant to drive the school bus as well as a myriad of other local jobs. His extensive menu offered a bewildering choice of three different things, all accompanied by frozen chips. Just my sort of menu. I remember ordering an extra Tizer as I deliberated as to whether I should have the Turkey Burgers, Chips and Beans or really splash out and go for the Turkey Drummers, Chips and Peas.
To my mind, the Turkey Drummer is a remarkable thing, not simply for its undeniable culinary pedigree, but as staggering feat of engineering. It can remain in a state of deep-frozen stasis for many months or even years, and yet when reheated in an ordinary oven, one finds that it retains all of the blandness, lack of texture and insipid grey palour from the day of its mechanical/chemical manufacture. If this were not reason enough for Bernard Matthews to be considered as a genius, he has added a deliciously artistic twist by forming them into an neo-cubist echo of the classic drumstick form.
Never mind what the Scotish Board of Schools says, I will continue to partake of this delicacy, which I enjoy preparing on the trusty gas grill of my bedsitting room. I recommend Safeway baked beans to accompany them, along with McCain Micro-chips. To drink, I usually have a bottle of Chateaux-Neuf-De-Wiggy, which is my very own vintage home-made, kit-based wine. I tend to favour a bottle that's between six and ten weeks old, but for those among you who prefer a young, or "nouveau" wine, you can take it straight from the fermentation bin.