Jackson gets off

Amanda Shadbolt, London 14th June, 2005

It seems in the end that Jackson won what was a popularity contest between him and the patently unlikable Mrs. Arvizo. The final straw it seems, came when she clicked her fingers at one of the stern faced, humourless old hags on the jury. The motley collection of ugly misfits and trailerpark trash that comprise the Jury have been enjoying their moment of fame by parading their Springer-style ugliness on US television.

Meanwhile, Jackson's famous supporters have suddenly appeared now that he's been cleared, to say how they knew all along he was innocent. Liz Taylor, 98, appeared in what can only be described as a shocking yellow wig, her lined and craggy face held up with an elaborate system of bulldog clips, fishing line and industrial strength garish blue eye-shadow.

In another bizarre twist, Jackson's lawyer stated today that Jackson would now have to change his lifestyle and "stop sleeping with boys".

What next for Jackson? He's got debts to pay, and many people are hoping that he will respond by releasing a hit album. The last time this happenned was twenty years ago, and there's just the few hardcore idiots who still like this left over from that time. His typical fan now would be a pre-op transexual Puerto-Rican, who has made a costume himself and practises moon-walking all day, and that thing where he spins on one leg. It would be very hard for Jackson to come up with something to win over a new generation of fans. His track record of late makes this look even less likely.

Summary of Jackson's career so far:

• 1976 The Jackson Five have a hit with "Rockin' Robin". It's their best thing ever. Michael's really high-pitched voice is grating, but it is in tune, and he has a cheeky face and a cool afro.
• 1981 Jackson's sickly hit "One day in your life" gets to number one, partly because people mistake it for a single by The Smurfs.
• 1983 In a famous television performance of Billie Jean, a song about the famous ugly four-eyed, Lesbian Tennis Star, Billie Jean King, Jackson wins over loads of stupid idiots by doing a backwards walk, grabbing his groin on the first beat of every bar and wearing a hat that's at least two sizes too small.
• 1983 Thriller comes out and breaks all records as the most massively over-rated single of all time. The hype is helped by a cheesy video in which Jackson shakes his head in time with the kids from Fame, who are all dressed as zombies. It is not until the mid-nineties that another such crap record comes along that is so over-rated that it causes a stir among the tabloid press and the musically ignorant masses in the form of Oasis's Wonderwall.
• 1986 By this time, Jackson's arch-nemesis, Prince has written and recorded literally dozens of albums, incorporating a rich and varied repetoire of music, and on which he plays a wide range of instruments. Jackson launches a counter-attack by wearing a single glove.
• 1988 Jackson releases the aptly titled Bad. Some people I know, who know nothing about music, go as a group from Accrington in a minibus to see him at Wembley Stadium. They wear snow-washed denim jackets and jeans, white T-shirts and one of them has a bandana. The women in white-stilettos, the men in HiTech white Boot trainers. That tells you all you need to know.
• 1990 By now Jackson is unrecognisable.
• 1990-99 Throughout the nineties Jackson marries a series of women, including the alcoholic head-case daughter of Fat Vegas Club singer Elvis Presley. The thing that stands out most is Jackson's appearance on the pointless Brit awards (an annual self-congratulatory festival of drunk record industry wankers, which is invariably amateurishly presented and in which Damon Albarn always gets a prize). Jackson came on dressed as Jesus, surrounded by children, when four-eyed, skinny mature student Jarvis Cockend got up on stage and bared his bony arse. Jackson is incensed as security cover Cocker's arse with a towel. This is partly because he thinks he is a Messiah and nobody must interrupt his performance, but also partly because he thought skinny, pale weed Cocker was a twelve year-old boy and he only got a brief glimpse before bouncers covered him up and started kicking him to a "pulp". Jarvis would no doubt have appreciated this irony, as his glasses were kicked from his head and he would have allowed himself a characteristically wry smile before he lost consciousness, smug in the knowledge that his attackers would have been blissfully ignorant of such a delicious pun.
• 2000 - present Jackson somehow has three kids, which are all white and which he dresses like dolls, covering their faces with a paper doily off a cake stand. In one famous moment he dangles his baby over a balcony after "journalist" Martin Bashir bets him a hundred quid he wouldn't dare. Bashir's documentary shows Jackson buying three million dollars worth of the most hideously garish tat in a period of less than five minutes and admitting that he sleeps with boys. Finally, Jackson appears on Bo Selecta, and it's the best thing he's ever done.
• Jackson declared not-guilty of child molestation. If he had been convicted, how would we know that the bloke they locked up was even him?