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Thank fuck that US presidents only get two terms at maximum, so the World is finally rid of pretty much the worst ever president, and certainly the fucking thickest. Not forgetting of course that the cunt didn't even fucking win the first time round. You can find in the archives what we thought about his re-election four years ago, and it would seem that even some his former supporters are now having to keep quiet, and it's only the thickest, most yee-haw chimps who still support him. Anyway - good on you Obama, first for getting into office, and second for keeping out hideous pant-suit wearing, lying about sniper-fire, humourless old harridan, Hilary Clinton. Our jug eared, ginger political correspondant, Andrew "No" Marbles gives his unwelcome, ill-informed, irrelevant and inebriated opinion on the new president. Full Story

A lot has been happening while we've been away, so where do we start? Fuck me if Gordon Brown is not throwing my (and your) money at car firms now. These cunts have been in cahoots with the banks and stupid wanky people, who think a car defines a personality, and that's why we are in such a fucking mess. So says and angry, drunk (although to be fair, he's always angry and drunk) Simon Coggeshall. Full Story

Fuck me, if the hoo-ha about Jonathan Ross is not totally all out of fucking proportion. If you're the sort of cunt who is offended by this Grandad's tame and foppishly shit jokes, then you really ought to fucking get out more. Alex "Shagged your grand-daughter" Pesticidus reports. Full Story

A petition which gathered almost one signature has meant that shit Website LaEclectica is making a brief comeback. It's been ages since the staff got bored and then the server upgrade by the ISP caused the archives to stop working and it's only just been fixed. It's not clear how long the drunken idiots who write the opinionated and ill-informed rubbish will carry on this comeback until they once again get bored and just stay in the pub. Full Story

If he's not incompetently babbling utter shit and making a total arse of himself on television, Fat John Prescott can be found driving around in his Jags, punching mullet-haired pikeys, shagging his ugly secretary, lecherously groping at his PA, fiddling expenses and playing croquet when he's supposed to be deputising for Tony Cunt-Blair. Andrew Marbles wonders just what is the point of this incompetent, fat cunt. Full Story

Trickster Tony Blair is looking to break yet another World record with his latest amazing escape stunt. Blair, who became famous for his levitation trick, and once spent two weeks in a box above the Thames, is attempting to outdo the great Harry Houdini, with his most daring escape to date. Linux Darkstar reports. Full Story

Who could believe it? Fat half-wit John Prescott has apparently had an affair. As unbelievable as it seems, the mumbling, pikey-punching, northern twat of a deputy prime-minister has been doing a Cecil Parkinson, and as a result is now at home in his front garden getting pelted with cutlery and crockery from the kitchen by his extremely common wife. Our gossip and showbiz columnist, Amanda Shadbolt, can't believe it. Full Story

Newsreader and thinking man's totty, Anna Ford is to retire from the BBC after thirty years of working for them as a journalist. It's not just a question of age, as she has had stiff competition over the years. After seeing off Sue Carpenter and easily dealing with Moira Stewart, she has recently been faced with posh blue-stocking totty, Sophie Raworth. Add to that Sky TV, who have got that big tits one and you start to see how it may be time for Anna to hang up her shoulder pads. Who else is capable of writing about such irrelevancies than our own sexagenarian ladies man, Sir Michael Wiggy. Full Story

As we predicted when Blunkuntt was ousted, bungling oaf Charles Clarke was indeed brought in as a temporary fall guy, who Blair was always going to fire as he came in to the total fucking mess left behind by Blunkett. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Shifty warmongering Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw, has been wooing Squirrel-faced, warmongering US Sectretary of State, Condoleeza Rice with a series of dates in his home turf of northern, Premiership buying, hole-riddled town, Blackburn, Lancashire. To try and impress her, Straw took her to a roller disco, followed by a slap-up, all you can eat buffet in Pizza Hut. The besotted pair are then thought to have spend the evening sitting on a bench outside Morrisons, drinking Bacardi Breezers and shouting abuse at passers-by, before Condi's dad turned up and angrily bundled her into the back of his Vauxhall Meriva. Amanda Shadbolt, is Northern, a girl and knows about these things. Full Story

Tony Blair has launched his latest campaign to appear cool, by making vague, unqualified and frankly ludicrous statements about The Environment. Apparently, it's okay to run a huge chemical manufacturing plant or for asbo scum to burn tyres in their overgrown gardens. Global Warming(tm) is actually the fault of a few people in terraced houses, who haven't lined their roof with quite enough layers of mass-produced petrochemical insulating foam. Simon Coggeshall. Full Story

Today marked the start of a strike by public sector workers angry at proposed changes to their pension scheme. Simon Coggeshall was supporting the strike until he realised his rubbish was not going to be collected, at which point he went fucking mental. Full Story

Prime minister Tony Blair has sensationally admitted to having made a mistake. But wait, this is not an admission of fallability, nor is it in any way an indication that he may have thought again about any one of the countless financial scandals his hand-picked cronies have been involved in. No, what it is instead is that he meant to say that was not going to step down, when he said that he was. Where does this leave boring, tight-fisted killjoy, Gordon Brown, who has been waiting to take over the job nobody wants him to have? Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Microsoft have apparently delayed the launch of the next version of their Windows operating system. Why the fuck anyone thinks this is news is beyond most of us here at Eclectic House. Not because we're technophobic, but simply because every fucking release of Windows is exactly the same, except with a few extra coloured buttons and at least three serious security holes. Our techno-twat Linux Darkstar reports. Full Story

Radiohead's ugly singer, Thom Yorke, has snubbed Tony Cunt-Blair's latest cynical attempt to try and look cool by associating himself with rock stars. Apparently TCB wanted the wonky-faced singer to come and talk about climate change with him, as if either of them knows the first fucking thing about it. Alex Pesticidus reports. Full Story

We all knew this is what they would do. Make you get an ID card if you want a passport. This way they fuck us all within ten years. Fuck Blair and his shit ID cards. Fuck New Labour. Fuck Gordon Brown and his expectation of automatically becoming Prime Minister. Fuck the other inept and pointless parties for offering absolutely no resistance. How dare they? Eclectic House is a big ball of burning anger tonight, particulary as Tony Cunt-Blair didn't even turn up to vote. Never mind the phrase "creeping compulsion", it's more like "fucked us all royally". Marbles is barely able to contain his rage. Full Story

The Police have given a demonstration as to why the trial of Sion Jenkins has been such an unbelievable farce. Using only billion pound, cutting edge computer technology, the best that the fat retards could come up with when doing a photofit is one of the most pathetic things any of us have ever seen. Ever. Simon Coggeshall is angry. And drunk. Full Story

Britons are being called upon to make a careful and important choice: the man who will lead the Liberal Democrats to third place in the next election. My god, but it's a tricky one. Which of these boring idiots is worthy of replacing little ginger jock, Cheeky Chucky Bum-chin? There's the part-time homosexual one who looks a bit like the late great Simon Cadell out of Hi-de-hi, a boring old Jock, who won't let anyone have any fun, and another man so bland you could lose him in a crowd of two. If you thought the Tories were having a hard time choosing their leader, then this has got to be like trying to choose whether to eat dog's, human's or cat's shit. Our Political Editor Andrew Marbles is too boring, and also this doesn't quite qualify as a political story, so we've got showbiz columnist Amanda Shadbolt to do this one. Full Story

Tony Blair is still insisting on doing what he thinks is right, despite the overwhelming defeat on his ridiculous religious hatred laws. Not content with doing the opposite of what people want, he is now refusing to accept that he's wrong when he's out-voted in the house. Surely he can't last much longer. Then again, what's the alternative: a stingy, boring, money obsessed jock with no sense of humour. Andrew Marbles doesn't know what he thinks is worse. Full Story

Little drunken ginger jock Lib Dem leader, Charles Kennedy, has admitted that he's simply too pissed to be leader of the party. His announcement comes only a couple of weeks after PM Tony Blair gave the go-ahead for round the clock, 24 hour drinking. Political analysts believe that the new licensing laws are just too much of a temptation to the diminutive scotch guzzler, and he has decided to step down for a new leader. Whoever comes in has a tough job ahead of them if they are to maintain the party's traditional election placing of third. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

A bad loser, who was the only person who didn't see this inevitable defeat coming, has today sensationally claimed that he didn't lose after all. The loser is totally convinced he hasn't really lost, and insists with zealous conviction that he is right and it's everybody else that is in the wrong. The British Public have until now, humoured the loser, taking a strange pleasure in seeing his deluded face on the front of every newspaper, together with his comments which are laughably deluded. Simon Coggeshall reports. Full Story

Blair's comedy cabinet throws up its latest resignation as yet another one of his mates has to resign after being found unsuitable for government. Once again Blair's brought back one of his disgraced mates only for them to have to resign again. If Mandelson is anything to go by, Blunkett has still got at least one "life" left. Andrew Marbles writes about Blunkett's resignation for the second time in a year. Full Story

Cheeky, sneaky New Labour have once again used stealth and underhand tactics to force through another one of their unwanted and politically insane, civil liberty threatening bills. On the day that the press have been concentrating on the unimportant pantomime of which chinless toff gets to lead the Tories for the next four years through the political wilderness, Tony Cunt-Blair has managed to scrape his ID card bill through the commons. Political Editor Andrew "No" Marbles is irate. Full Story

Fat ex-chancellor, Fat Ken Clarke, has been knocked out of the Tory Leadership contest, losing on away goals and also having the least votes. Plucky loser Ken is just what the British Public love: someone who has been nearly there on a number of occasions, only to end up losing. In this sense, he is a winner, thinks political editor Andrew Marbles. Full Story

Wrinkly rocker Sir Mick Jagger has leapt to the defence of his mental girlfriend after she started interfering with Keef and Ronnie. Stupidly named L'Wren Scott, who is some sort of self-proclaimed stylist, is rumoured to have tried to get the hellraising pair to wear really stupid jackets and tried to stop them smoking. This behaviour has led her to be likened to mental, shit pretend artist, Yoko Ono, who fucked up the Stone's rivals, The Beatles. However, she's more like David St. Hubbins girlfriend, Janine, in This is Spinal Tap. It will come as no surprise to our regular readers that our own old geezer with a dubious Sir in his name, Michael Wiggy, is the only one in the office to find Jagger's girlfriend attractive. Full Story

Tony Blair has promised to do as much irreversible damage as he can in his last four years, while self-righteously jabbing the air with his finger at the Labour Party conference. Gordon Brown has also been setting out his stall, thinking he's going to take over soon, but he hasn't reckoned on Blair's master plan. Andrew Marbles is down in Brighton to check out the bars, clubs and report on the conference. Full Story

Skinny talentless drug addict, Kate Moss, has made a half-felt apology for being off her almost non-existent tits on cocaine in the vain hope that she'll get her job back. Moss, who has made millions by simply being photographed wearing stupid clothes, or holding up a bottle of shit perfume, has lost a number of contracts with shit fashion firms after being photographed shoving cocaine into her arse, or Pete Doherty as he's known. Simon is the only one of our staff vicious and jealous enough to cover this one. Full Story

The crowd at the premier of Guy Ricthie's latest shit film have booed him and his pop tart wife. The film, which is another really crap mockney load of old toss, has been rightly panned by critics and punters alike. Meanwhile Madonna was still nursing injuries she sustained after falling off a horse while playing at being an English Aristo. Our Arts editor, Simon Coggeshall, is back from his holiday, his tongue and his nails sharper than ever, and he can't wait to get stuck into this pair. Full Story

German voters have been unable to decide who should be the next leader of their country: A fat man, or an ugly woman. In the least conclusive election in European history, apathetic Germans found themselves hard pressed to choose between the lesser of two evils. The woman described as Germany's Margaret Thatcher has won three more seats than Schroeder, who looks a bit like a fat version of Juventus manager, Fabio Capello. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Huge foreheaded, lisping boxer Chris Eubank has been officially declared as a dick by Brighton Magistrate's court. The badly dressed idiot had tried to make friends in his usual manner by showing off in a row over a lorry. This invariably ends with everybody present thinking "What a dick!". Only this time he stole a lorry as well. Binge takes the piss. Full Story

The Space Shuttle Discovery is safely back on Earth, much to the relief of NASA scientists and astronauts who had to call out the RAC to attend to the aging craft while still in space. Our Science (Fiction) four-eyes, Linux Darkstar, freshly back from his geeky Sci-Fi and Fantasy (i.e. Adults acting like children) convention, reports. Full Story

Ailing terror group the IRA has announced that it has been bought out for an undisclosed sum. The shock announcment that company has been taken over by Arab-owned rivals, and global concern Al Qaeda, has left many in fear of huge job losses. It is not yet clear whether some production will remain in Northern Ireland, or if it will all be consolidated in Asia and the Middle-East. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Japanese researchers have been busy creating the World's most life-like android ever built. Surprise, surprise it's of a young woman. The droid has been designed to "feel" as realistic as possible, with much research going into developing convincing feeling hands, mouth and one can only speculate what else. Our technology four-eyes is on holiday, probably dressed as a klingon somewhere, so our film critic, Alex Pesticidus, gives his verdict. Full Story

Another one of Blair's hilariously bad appointments has apparently got into trouble this week, after criticizing Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Well done her, you might think, after all Charles Clarke is a total and utter bell end. But look again and you see a typical example of everything that's wrong with Blair's non-elected, hand-picked staff. Our Northern Lass, Amanda Shadbolt, who is also known for her propensity to speak her mind, gives her verdict. Full Story

Pint sized actor Tom Cruise has been in the news again as the latest rubbish adaptation of HG Wells' classic science fiction epic, in which he stars, is due for release. Earlier in the week he accused Psychiatrists of practising "pseudo-science", and some people may be inclined to think he might have a point. He then went and spoiled it all by following this up with an assertion that aliens are actually real. Alex Pesticidus thinks Cruise is confusing his films with reality. Full Story

Mobs of mental people and oddball idiots have been celebrating the news that Michael Jackson has been cleared of all charges of child abuse. US TV has been showing footage of some of the insane idiots, shouting and ranting redfaced while showering the cameras with spittle. Meanwhile, the Jury have said that they thought that Jackson was obviously guilty, but could not convict him because they simply had no evidence. As the whole of America prepares to go on a hysterical witch-hunt to track down and beat up the family of Jackson's accusers, our celebrity and pop culture correspondant Amanda Shadbolt ponders Jackson's next move. Full Story

Bob Geldoff is once again appearing on television in a flurry of self-righteous, unwashed anger. It is now twenty years since the over-rated pop concert Live Aid, and very little has changed in spite of all the money that was raised from the public. Meanwhile Geldoff has continued to make records nobody wants to listen to, let alone buy, while him and his smug pop mates continue to live a reality detached life of luxury. Alex Pesticidus looks the latest show of pompous pop stars all trying to look concerned, as they think of how much their own careers will be helped. Full Story

US trash tv icon Jerry Springer is set to replace Trisha on the retard's channel, ITV1. This represents another major step on the road to the fulfilment of ITV's dreams to become the most risibly low-brow, moronic television channel outside of the US. Alex Pesticidus is trying not to get too pissed tonight because he's got to drive his fat parents to the Airport in the small hours, meaning he will have the "use" of their Volvo XC-90 for the next two weeks. Full Story

Downing Street has announced that Prime Minister Tony Blair has been treated today for a loose screw. Originally reported as a slipped disc, the injury is not thought to be serious. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

White coated, huge foreheaded men with pencils in their top pockets have once again tried to stake a claim for the advancement of mankind. Should we believe a bunch of people so socially inept that they are barely able to look each other in the eye, when they make such claims? Simon Coggeshall explains why their efforts are pointless and why they've already been beaten to it. Full Story

Pigshit thick ginger, Harry Hewitt, has cheated in his Art Exams, as if nobody hadn't already guessed. If you need to cheat to pass Art, a subject into which traditionally one might encourage people unable to do proper exams, then surely the only career open to you is that of an Army Officer, what what? Rah rah rah, one's going to Sandhurst! I say, Wizard Wheeze! The clot has turned up equipped only with an ironing board and the clothes he stood in. No doubt the ironing board is for some sort of bizarre drinking game. Tally Ho! Full Story

How surprised are we to learn that Labour backbenchers have been urging Tony Blair to resign. Even less surprising is that he has stuck his fingers up and said that he's never going to quit. When he said it was his last election, what he meant was that he's going to make a few tweaks to the way parliament works. There will be no more elections if he gets his way. Meanwhile, opposition leader Michael Howard has announced that he is going to resign. His resignation speech, made yesterday, consisted only of him uttering the phrase: "Curses!" while shaking his fist. Meanwhile, Ginger Charles Kennedy has been celebrating coming last, declaring the result as the best ever for his party. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Ten minutes into Blair's new premiership and he's brought back power-crazed, society slag shagging, humourless megalomaniac, David Blunkett. Has Blair no shame? Stupid question, of course he hasn't. However, how much is he taking the piss by bringing back this particular one of his cronies? God help us. Andrew Marbles knew this would happen. Full Story

A tearful Britannia last night explained how she would be giving Tony one last chance. Despite having lied to her, been caught, then continued to offer ridiculous excuse after excuse, the Ruler of the Waves is bravely preparing to give the lying PM one more chance. In last night's cliff-hanging episode, a third of the country wanted her to get back with Michael, with whom she had a brief dalliance a decade ago. "I'm very fond of Michael", she explained, "He's a very good friend, but I could never really think of him in that way." Amanda Shadbolt offers her no nonsense, northern, sisterly advice. Full Story

A new low cost computing device is set to open up the internet to "developing" countries, according to the not-for-profit makers of the machine. As the cost of computers comes down, ordinary Nigerian smalltime criminals have been enjoying fleecing greedy, stupid idiots with the promise of untold riches and flooding in-boxes with the sort of irritating shit spam email that only a total fuckwit would fall for. The makers of this device hope to give the same sort of access to millions of people in poorer countries, whether they want it or not, as well as giving them a valuable window into a new world of information - a brave new world of a million different types of adverts and pornography. Full Story

As the BBC prepares to launch a revisionist history of 13th Century Mongol leader, one military historian (or war obsessed, pseudo-intellectual nutcase), has compared Khan to a modern CEO. So, it seems that he was even worse than we'd been led to believe. It's Deputy Editor, Simon Coggeshall's job to attack academic studies. Full Story

Hands up who couldn't see this coming. Anybody? Certainly nobody who has bought a Rover or an MG in the last five years could fail to see how the dealerships blatantly ripped them off, doing their best to avoid doing work under warranty as their poorly built cars regularly fell to bits. The so-called Phoenix Four came in and took millions out of the company, mismanaging it deliberately and leaving it totally shafted. Alex Pesticidus thought he was being cool when he bought an MGF six years ago, but it turned out to be nothing but a catalogue of disasters from day one, and he's one of the luckier ones. Full Story

A government advisory committee has concluded that to send Britain's Nuclear waste into space would be too expensive, and just throwing it in the sea doesn't work because it keeps getting washed up again. They've decided the best thing is simply to bury it, and not worry about any long term effects, because scientists will probably invent some sort of special device that can neutralise it at some point in the future. Even if they don't, there's only a few million trillion years before it turns naturally into useful stuff like diamonds or oil. Science correspondant, Linux Darkstar reports. Full Story

Jug-eared embarrassment Prince Charles showed his true colours today, when he launched into a tirade against common people. The Prince was enjoying his life of luxury on a free skiing trip with his son Prince William and ginger "nephew" Prince Harry Hewitt, when he turned up for a photoshoot and it didn't go exactly his way. To be fair, he's probably sick of being asked why he's marrying such an ugly munter or if he bummed his butler and then covered it up with a press ban. The Binge's no-nonsense style of reporting is best suited to this story. Full Story

Convicted paedophile and irritating twat, Jonathan King, was released from prison today amid much controversy. "It makes me sick to the stomach", commented one onlooker when they heard the news that wobble-mouthed nonce King, 60, plans to release a CD. His crimes include sickening acts such as the record "Una Paloma Blanca" as well a series of sexual assaults on under-age boys. His arrogance is staggering, as he not only intends to rake up the whole painful case once again, he also wants to heap misery upon misery by releasing a record of his fucking shit "music". Binge thinks he should just shut the fuck up. Full Story

The Jury in the Michael Jackson trial have spent the day looking through the singer's reportedly huge stash of bongo mags. The judge has allowed the jury to get a good eyeful of the mags as a reward for all their hard work so far. He has not, however, allowed them to look at images from Jackson's computer, as he has been saving these much more hardcore images for himself. The prosecution have tried to argue that a few hundred copies of Razzle proves Jackson is a paedophile. The defence however, argue that this collection is quite normal for someone who is a bit weird and unable to form human relationships or get a girlfriend. Someone who should know is our sports writer, Robert Binge. Full Story

The American Tycoon and failed car maker, John Delorean, has died aged 80. One year for every million pounds of tax payers' money he conned out of the UK government, in the frankly ridiculous hope that it would create some jobs in Belfast. It wasn't only badly made, ugly, overpriced cars that made his name, he was also a consummate fraudster and drug dealer, who eluded the authorities right up until his death. Our computer nerd and four-eyed sci-fi geek, Linux Darkstar, is a man who is unable to distinguish reality from fiction. Not proper fiction with literary value, no, really rubbish sci-fi/fantasy and children's television. Full Story

Well known shop-cake firm, Mr. Kipling have relaunched the image of the fictional, avuncular and venerable old man they use as a front for their machine-produced cakes. They have followed Homepride's example, and have recast him as a young chef in the Gordon Ramsey mould. The recasting of Capt. Birdseye as a young man didn't work and he's now back to the white bearded seamen of yore. Simon Coggeshall assesses the chances of this rebranding actually working. Full Story

The government unveiled its new direction for the BBC today, in which it plans to scrap the board of governors, which has been in place for 78 years. The BBC has fallen foul of Blair's government several times in recent years, usually after it has reported some facts which shows Blair for the lying, grinning git that he is. The BBC took all the blame for the death of Dr. David Kelly, which to be fair was their fault, because if they hadn't made Blair look such a cunt over WMD, he wouldn't have had to have had the scientist killed. This deal is a compromise, the BBC get to keep the licence fee, but have to make the sort of programmes that please Tony Blair, and which must never under any circumstances criticise him. Simon Coggeshall will attack anybody who suggests that the licence fee should be scrapped. Full Story

Pie Campaigners are to receive backing from the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) in their bid to prevent anybody outside the Leicestershire town of Melton Mowbray being able to produce pork pies. The revoltingly inedible pies are traditionally produced by encasing a lump of pink-dyed slurry, made from processed pigs' lips, eyelids and foreskins, inside a special sort of cardboard. The real trick is to separate the slurry from the cardboard with a special layer of jelly that even dogs find repulsive. Our food critic, Sir Michael Wiggy, who knows a bit about such matters and who has written on more than two dozen occasions to Nigella Lawson on the subject, offering to share with her his secret recipe for Pork Sword, visits some of his favourite purveyors of fine foods to try to get a few free samples, before writing this rubbish. Full Story

The Queen has said that she's not going to the wedding of Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles. This is the latest twist in the story of the controversial wedding which has been under threat since it was first banned over thirty years ago, probably because they're actually brother and sister. The terrible truth, if that is indeed what it is, can't do any more damage now, so they might as well get married. The union has now been declared as legal, citing an ancient law that decrees that royals may marry whomever they wish, and unlike commoners, are not subject to normal impediments such as the bride and groom being closely related, or indeed one or other of them being a horse. Alex Pestcidus is the unlucky one still here this evening, so he writes this one. Full Story

A three year old boy has become the youngest person to join the pretend intellectual club for people who can't get proper academic qualifications. Mikhial Ali, from Leeds, passed the stupid tests, which are based on rubbishy made-up, unscientific, multiple-choice questions where you have to pick stupid shapes. A panel of embittered and unqualified quacks and idiots then makes up some arbitrary number based on the "results". If this meaningless number is high enough you can pay to join their pointless, worthless club. Simon Coggeshall loves baiting them if he meets them at a party or something, plus he's working late tonight as he obviously hasn't got anybody to go out with on a Valentine's date. Again. Full Story

George Bush is too scared to go anywhere outside the US, so he's sent Condoleeza Rice to the Middle-East and to Europe to try to patch up battered diplomatic relationships after the US's unilateral decision to ignore the UN and invade Iraq. Despite her undoubted intelligence, it seems that Rice will simply be used by Bush to try to butter up the French and the Germans. The President is of course not known as a statesman, being far too ignorant and likely to cause both embarassment and offence wherever he goes and with whomever he comes into contact. So he has sent his new deputy to do it instead. Is the woman who once advised the chimp-like President to "punish France and ignore Germany" the right person for the job? Is anybody fooled by this new "Nice Rice" persona? Marbles is on the case. Full Story

Fake tanned, xenophobic former daytime television presenter, Robert Kilroy-Silk, launched his new political party today. The party, whose only real policy seems to be a dislike of anything foreign, has confusingly been given what seems to be a foreign name. The name Veritas which means “truth” in Latin, is however an old Anglo-Saxon term meaning “Ignorance, fear and hatred of strangers”. Not only that, but in the long forgotten language of the Maya, it translates roughly as “Orange Faced Clown”. Our political correspondent, Andrew Marbles, thinks there's enough stupid, pointless minority parties already what with UKIP, the Natural Law Party, The Greens, Plaid Cymru and the Lib Dems. Full Story

Doctors have issued a warning that people using the handheld Blackberry email devices may be causing themselves long term damage. Repeated use of the thumbwheel has long been thought to cause osteoarthritis in the joints of the thumb, but today's report also highlights a plethora of other serious injuries that can be caused by repeated use of the little devices. More and more people are starting to utilise the technology to send each other pointlessly banal and badly spelled exchanges containing moronic drivel which they then try to pretend, to anyone within 50 yards, are some sort of important business transactions. Eclectic House's own technological four-eyed geek, Linux Darkstar, reports. Full Story

Prime Minister Tony Blair got a warm welcome today from a charity worker during a visit to a Manchester community centre. The 42-year old woman put her arms around his Tony-ness and kissed what she called his "baby lips", leaving the PM a little embarrassed, but secretly pleased. Meanwhile Fat John Prescott, who was with him, got nothing. Nothing. Not even a peck on the cheek. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Cherie Blair's former best mate, charlatan and conman's girlfriend, Carole Caplin was back at Number Ten today. This time though, it was not as one of the Prime Minister's irritating wife's best friends, and Caplin was reduced to standing on the doorstep to try and generate publicity for her stupid, ridiculous self. Caplin was Cherie Blair's best friend and lifestyle guru. This is one of a large number of new age clap-trap-based jobs, like Feng Shui "experts", colour consultants and dieticians, all of which involve pretending to know things in order to fool stupid, naive middle-class women into parting with large sums of money. Caplin is protesting about the European ban on vitamin supplements, which will affect her ability to provide totally unqualified "treatment" to vulnerable and/or gullible people at great expense. Simon Coggeshall explains why he thinks she should fuck right off. Full Story

As the election campaigns slowly begin to gather momentum, Prime Minister Tony Blair has upped the ante already, claiming to have a much bigger penis than the Tory leader of the opposition. Andrew Marbles had been wondering when the developing political debate would find its natural, base level, and it looks like it now has. Blair's claim followed Mr Howard's own boast earlier in the week that he would lower taxes and reduce public spending, all the while implying that he has a huge knob. Mr Howard has been very vocal on the subject of televised debate, and it seems has been calling for the Prime Minister to join him in getting his knob out, live on television. For all his bragging, Mr Blair is always strangely reluctant to enter into a televised debate, which has led to speculation that his claims of a massive trouser snake are as overblown as his Iraqi WMD evidence. Full Story

First time buyers are officially shafted out of every town in Britain, a new and quite frankly unnecessary study has concluded. Greedy, grasping Britons, whose obsessive property buying zeal has caused the market to go totally out of control, are now looking to buy anything they can get their hands on in Eastern Europe. Meanwhile, all this has left Britain's younger generation with no chance of buying their own home, with the average couple looking to borrow nearly twenty times their annual income just to buy a tiny, grotty little box. Simon Coggeshall's own London terraced house, which he bought for less than thirty thousand pounds over ten years ago, was recently "valued" by an Estate Agent at more than ten times that figure. He explains why he's not bothered about selling it and why he is in fact quite angry about it. Full Story

Apple's insane fans have finally got the machine of their dreams: a mass produced plastic box which comes without any of the bits you need, like a screen, a keyboard, a mouse or a proper operating system. The important thing is that the box will look quite nice, if you're the sort of sheep with such little imagination that you think that buying other such obvious "designs" like the new Beetle, the Audi TT or the new Mini is going to convince anybody that you've got any taste or style. So, it'll look "nice" on top of your Ikea desk and there's no keyboard or screen to spoil the anal minimalism of your office that you've tried so hard to copy from a magazine. These sort of idiots are bound to snap them up, due to the "low" price tag. They'll no doubt then be suckered into spending at least as much again to get a proprietary wireless keyboard and mouse, not to mention a display, so they can use it to surf the web, send e-mail or some other similar low end task that you could do just as easily on an old 386. Linux Darkstar explains why he hates Apple. Full Story

Get your lippy on girls and dig out your best frocks, because Brad's single again! Our own in-house femme fatale, Gilly Prior-Reclinique, opened a bottle of vintage champagne when she heard the news, although to be fair, she was already giving the cork a twist with her teeth when we told her. Top Hollywood heart-throb Pitt married Jennifer Chiniston in a hideously garish show of nauseating vulgarity back in July 2000. Our friend Raymond, landlord of the Rat and Conker, is also laying on a special night of "afters" for us later, in his current mood of cheerful delusion. He takes the news as vindication of his theory that the hollywood hunk is secretly gay, which may be no more than wishful thinking on his part. The delusion, however, comes from his solid conviction that Pitt will turn up in his pub and fall in love with a fat, bald, 57-year old publican with questionable dress sense and a list of neuroses as long as your arm. Pitt, 41, has appeared in many well respected movies, and is one of Hollywood's A-list actors, while Aniston was in a rubbish sit-com for absolutely years and years, and then a barclaycard advert. Full Story

Jug Eared beardy Charles Clarke faces his first test as Home Secretary today as he pathetically tries to gain support for Blunkett and Blair's unwanted ID cards bill. It is hoped that there will be back bench rebellions from both Labour and Tories, despite the usual Blair threats for dissenters. Tonight's vote could be a crucial indicator of how firm a grip on government Blair still has now that his closest ally has been forced out. Michael Howard is sure to look like a total idiot either way, since he is having to support the bill because it was his idea in the first place. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

After hanging on desperately long after anyone else would have called it a day, Big Blunkett has finally had to resign as his arrogant, power crazy reign comes to a long overdue end in fit of a hubris. Blair may well be quaking in his boots now, as his position as party leader must surely be weakened with the Home Secretary's departure. This is only the first step in an ongoing battle against the Blair/Blunkett plan for total domination, and the fight against ID Cards must continue, particularly after slimy copy-cat Michael Howard has been obsequiously agreeing with everything Blair says. Andrew Marbles is going to be really drunk later, so he's doing this now. Full Story

Hooray for the Government, who have offered to dump the rest world's nuclear waste here in Britain. There must be something we've missed here, because ministers have agreed to "lose" waste from Japan, Germany, Italy, Switzerland and Sweden and as part of a plan to tackle our own growing nuclear waste problem. The plan is so clever, that it must be us who are too stupid to understand how this is going to bring us benefits that are "both environmental and economic". The government has refuted claims that it is simply planning to spend a tiny percentage of the estimated £680 million income promised by the deal on lots and lots of black plastic sacks and then leave the waste out for the bin-men. Andrew Marbles takes up the story. Full Story

Fat Norfolk farmer Bernard Matthews is famous the world over for creating one Britain's most successful businesses, selling artificially manufactured novelty food-style products made out of compressed and shaped bits of old turkey carcass, covered in breadcrumbs. His inability to speak properly has endeared him to the millions of lazy square-eyed Britons, who like to eat oven-heated frozen junk food from a plate on their lap, while sitting on their sofas and staring moronically at their televisions. A row has erupted after Scottish Schools declared his products unfit to serve to their pupils, while schools in England continue to dish it up with all the other muck they traditionally offer. This looks like a job for our food and restaurant critic, Michael Wiggy. Full Story

Oh dear me, power-crazed, dictatorial Home Secretary, David Blunkett, has been a naughty boy. Again. This time, The Press are really out to get him, since there is very real and growing concern about just how much he's lost the plot over home security. Let's get this idiot (known as Big Blunkett because of the way he's systematically been eroding our civil liberties) pushed out before he can do any more damage to the judiciary and before he can introduce his unwanted police state. Eclectic House's own Andrew Marbles is among the growing number of political correspondents gathering in the village square with burning torches, baying for his blood. Full Story

Unhelpful and rubbish High Street and giant car park-based warehouse shop-style retailer, Dixons, have announced that they will cease to sell video recorders. Much of the media have latched onto this as being the death of the once popular device, despite the fact that Dixons is just about the last place you'd go to buy something. Linux Darkstar takes a look at the life of the technological breakthrough that gave thick, lazy people something to put on their bookshelves other than hideously tacky Franklin Mint tat, or offensively tasteless brass miniatures. Full Story

Codebreakers are divided over the meaning of a cryptic inscription on a marble slab at a stately home, which is thought to contain the secret of the final resting place of the Holy Grail. Interest in the Grail has recently been revitalised following the success of Dan Brown's shit book, which despite being a sort of low-brow, Happy Shopper version of the dreadfully tedious Foucault's Pendulum, is not even the worst among a long line of tedious bestsellers about the Knights Templar. It's an amusing coincidence that the search for The Holy Grail has now become the holy grail of seekers of mythical chalices reputed to have been used by Christ as a wine glass during the last supper. Linux Darkstar reports. Full Story

Tony Blair has once again augmented his political will with a carefully timed slew of scaremongering stories about narrowly thwarted terrorist plots which turn out to have no basis in fact, and as usual has then blatantly stood in front of the commons and tried to deny it with his smug, lying face. Meanwhile, the subject of ID cards has reared its ugly, unwelcome face in the Queen's speech, which sounded as always like a primary school child reading out a list of things she barely understands. Andrew Marbles is back after his depression, which resulted from George Bush's US election victory and is now keeping his political eye on the run-up to the next UK elections. His Special Brew eye meanwhile, is glazed and staring at hungrily at a some leftover felafel on Gilly's Desk. Full Story

Lots of sad idiots camped outside the new Apple shop in London, so they could be among the very first mugs to go in what is essentially just a shop, that's right a *shop*, selling overpriced electronic equipment, in reasonably nice looking, but essentially just mass-produced, plastic cases. Apple computers have always been popular with computer illiterate Middle-Class people who will nearly always be fooled into thinking things are better if they're more expensive. There is also a huge following from pretentious tossers and snobs who like to think they know a bit about design, like our Arts Editor Simon Coggeshall. Our Geeky Sci-Tech writer, Lionel a.k.a. Linux Darkstar, explains why he thinks Apples are over-rated, even though most of his article has had to be edited out due to it being too nerdy and techie. Full Story

French President Jacques Chirac has been enduring traditional British hospitality as part of the 100th anniversary celebrations of the Entente Cordiale, the Roast-Beef and Snail flavoured squash drink (dilute to taste), which was invented to bring the two nations together after hundreds of years of war. The French President, who only got in to office after being hastily wheeled out of retirement after the French public were on the brink of electing a neo-Nazi, has been made to suffer many hardships. Among the demeaning and excrutiating things he's had to endure during his visit are dinner with Prince Philip and the Blairs as well as being made to sit through "Les Miserables". Full Story

An irresponsible teacher caused chaos among his 14-year old pupils by telling them that an asteroid was about to hit the Earth and kill them all. His great idea was supposed to teach them some flippant and pointless lesson about living recklessly and not thinking about the future. Many of them ended up in tears after St Matthew's head teacher Keith Hogan urged his pupils to go home and say their last farewells. The Binge sat through some pretty bizarre assemblies at school himself, but nothing quite like this. Full Story

Barmy, jug-eared, plant befriending, first in line to the throne Royal, Prince Charles, has caused outrage by expressing his disgust at common people getting ideas above their station. Is this just another typical out-of-touch Royal rant, which shows how Charles is turning into another Prince Philip, or does the man who thinks Camilla is better looking than Lady Diana have a point? Simon Coggeshall is back at his desk after ten solid hours of Half-Life 2. Full Story

Sunny the African Grey parrot is back on board HMS Lancaster, after the ship underwent a refit. The foul-mouthed parrot first made it into the news last March when she met The Queen and Prince Philip at Portsmouth Naval Base. Come to think of it, until that encounter, Sunny the parrot was quite polite and didn't know any swearwords. Alex Pesticidus had a budgerigar when he was a child, so he offered to write this one. Full Story

US Secretary of State Colin Powell is to resign from the Bush cabinet to pursue his private life. We've always thought the man who can't pronounce his own name looks like none other than Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the Right Royal Queen of England. Ever the equal opportunists that we are, we certainly aren't prepared to let the fact that he is of a different racial origin, let alone gender, get in the way of what we think is a good likeness. If you don't agree, try drinking half a litre of gin and look again. Our staff are literally bleary eyed from playing Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas, virtually all day for the past week, except for rug-wearing technophobe, Michael Wiggy. Full Story

The greedy, grasping owners of a beach hut in Dorset have put it on the market for the ridiculous sum of one hundred and forty thousand pounds, which just goes to show how much Britain's property sellers are taking the piss. However, it may turn out that they can't get this much for it as the UK property market is showing definite signs of slowing down, because houses are no longer sold before they even appear on the market, and some are staying for sale for many weeks or even months. Simon Coggeshall hates people who talk about house prices so much that he was once thrown out of a high profile publisher's buffet lunch at The Savoy for violently inserting crudites into the nose of a boring man who'd cornered him with smug stories of how much the equity had grown on his tiny, ugly, cheaply built house. Full Story

The team behind the amateur space craft which was vaporised on Christmas Day 2003, has unveiled its next generation craft with which they hope to continue their success by failing to get anywhere near Saturn on Christmas Day, 2009. Full Story

Oh for goodness sake! The one chance you have to get rid of this troublemaking, self-serving, warmongering, power crazy, retarded redneck and you go and blow it. Thanks America. What now? We can only wait and see. Andrew Marbles has been up all night, drinking and watching CNN. Full Story

A new code of standards for student accommodation is set to come into practice in the UK and Ireland. In the last ten years, Britain's students have seen a huge improvement in the standard and quality of their digs, with the construction of many thousands of brand new, purpose built living quarters which boast en-suite facilities and broadband access. However, Ministers are worried that they are missing out on the experience of living in the traditionally run down, damp and unheated slums that have served undergradutates for so many years. Full Story

The US election is too close to call at this stage, with a record turnout for an American Presidential Election. Here at Eclectic House we have litres and litres of champagne ready if Bush loses, and crates and crates of gin to drown our sorrows if he wins. It looks as though it is as close as it was four years ago, before Bush's people effectively annulled votes made by Florida's black community. This time, they may not get away with it, but our bet is that Bush will not win (again), and if he gets in, it'll be after many days of inquiries and dodgy dealings. Andrew Marbles is more excited than he's been in a long time, as this is his second favourite thing, after our own elections. Full Story

There have been gasps of horror at the revelation that Britain's Navy has officially recognised its first satanist. A naval technician who has the disappointingly ordinary sounding name Chris Cranmer, will be allowed to practise satanic rituals on board the HMS Cumberland. Cranmer, 24, is now apparently hoping to get the MOD to make satanism a recognised religion. Is this a case of equal opportunities and political correctness gone mad? The Binge thinks it probably came about after Cranmer was forced to think on his feet to come up with a cover story after he was caught having sex with the boat's mascot, which just so happenned to be a goat. Full Story

Plastic chested, fake-lipped former Baywatch dummy, Pamela Anderson, has called for an end to the traditional stupid hats worn by the Queen's special soldier boys. The 37-year old (for want of a better word) woman, is apparently in Britain to promote her new book, believe it or not, which she has no doubt written in crayon. She has gathered a staggering 200 signatures, an estimated hundred-fold more than the number of copies of the book she will sell, to lobby the Queen to replace the bearskin helmets with some kind of fake pink alternative, a bit like Barbara Cartland might have worn. Full Story

Controversy surrounds today's decision to send a group of male strippers to support the US Troops in lawless Western Iraq where Sunni insurgents are launching daily attacks. Although many believe that the decision is purely political, and has been made to aid George Bush's election campaign, a spokesman for the strippers claims that they are all "up for it". The prospect of men in uniform is always guaranteed to almost grab the attention of Gilly Prior-Reclinique, who has been reduced to a drooling imbecile. However, in this case it has nothing whatsoever to do with the thought of soldiers such as the Black Watch and everything to do with two-and-a-half litres of Bombay Sapphire. Just as Blair will for Bush, Simon Coggeshall steps in to clear up the mess left by an incapable Gilly who assured us she would handle the situation. Full Story

The delinquent, drug-taking ginger Prince of posh bad boy behaviour has been at it again, a week after being caught cheating in his A-levels. This time he was in a fight with a photographer outside a London nightclub, which left the papparazzo with a split lip. The prince is quickly establishing himself as a bit of a rogue, behaviour which many Royal observers think he inherits from his father, the Ginger Cad and professional Bounder, James Hewitt. Full Story

A drunken prat on a plane, who started to become aggressive and try and act hard, had a shock when he discovered he was unlucky enough to be on the same flight as a Police Rugby team. We always love to hear about gobby little tykes being given the beating they deserve. Our sports writer, The Binge, laughed his head off about it. Full Story

Swansea Institute has been forced to drop a degree in Surfing, because according to principal David Warner, nobody could take it seriously. Simon Coggeshall is not sure if he's talking about the worthiness of a degree in a subject like surfing or the even more ridiculous idea that Swansea Institute is a respectable educational establishment capable of awarding worthwhile degrees. In either case he's too disgusted to write about it, so we asked The Binge to step in and give his forthright opinion instead. Full Story

Al Qaeda have released a new tape, but fans may be disappointed as former front man Osama Bin Laden does not feature on the latest release, fuelling speculation that he may have quit the group in order to pursue a solo career. Instead, the group's latest tape is fronted by Ayman al-Zawahri who has until now, been best known as the group's drummer and occasional pink oboe player. We had a quick look at their the latest tape, but found that the group had progressed very little from their previous releases and the change of front-man simply isn't working. Full Story

In a bid to try and sound interesting, senior Tory party members have been saying what things they like at their party conference in Bournemouth. Shadow defence minister Nicholas Soames has admitted to liking bland queen of dinner party background noise, Dido, while party co-chairman Liam Fox pretended to like The Scissor Sisters, but when pressed, was unable to name a single thing they've ever done. Apart from these two, pretty much everyone else named things that would be unlikely to win them any votes. For example, Michael Ancram said how much he enjoyed William Hague's boring book about William Pitt, despite the fact that he has almost certainly not read it. Political Correspondant Andrew Marbles thinks the Tories have still got a lot to learn from Tony Blair, who has tried to make out he likes Oasis and pretends to support Newcastle United. Andrew Marbles is bored with ripping into Bush and Blair and has been waiting for the Tories to actually do something so he can have a go at them as well. Full Story

Americans are being asked to choose between these two men, one of whom will lead them into whatever ill thought-out and unwinable wars they choose to stumble into over the next four years. It seems incredible that the nation that has given the world such incredible things as plimpsolls that cost over a hundred pounds a pair, the hamburger, the cheeseburger, a cartoon mouse with white gloves, ice cream with cake in it and those two twins who each weighed over 50 stone but could still ride miniature motorbikes, has to choose between two such utter morons as its leader. Shortly after writing this, our political correspondant, Andrew Marbles, climbed up the Cenotaph wearing only his pants and is refusing to come down until somebody gets him four more tins of Tennants Super. Full Story

Despite the manifold opportunities for learning offered by the dawn of the internet age, people are still as thick as pigshit new research shows. Among the huge number of technological experts that have enthused about the potential of the World Wide Web to make the human race better and more educated are that ugly woman off Tommorrow's World, comedy pantomime Mad Professor, Heinz Wolff and four-eyed, spotty, skinny, pasty-faced little bedwetter, Bill Gates. Well, researchers at the University of South Clacton have found that rather than use the internet's huge potential for "e-learning", 99 percent of people just want to look for pirated music and games or nude pictures of Britney Spears. Full Story

Jack Straw is defending his shaking of the hand of Robert Mugabe when two men met in New York. He is claiming it was done deliberately, and that he'd tricked the Zimbabwean leader who didn't know the Foreign Secretary had just spent the previous couple of minutes wiping his hand around the crack of his arse. "I'd been surprised to bump into the shitty little, insane comedy Hitler and decided to take the opportunity to make him shake my hand after I'd had it up my arse". The Binge doesn't believe him, and thinks he's just trying to pretend now he's been caught. Full Story

It's bad news for Britain's fatties as chocolate bar manufacturers have announced today that they will be discontinuing King Size variants in an attempt to appear responsible. Makers such as Mars and Cadbury have come under increasing fire as Britain's unrepentant fat, greedy gluttons look for someone to blame, rather than take any responsibility themselves, for the epidemic of obesity which is sweeping Britain. Say goodbye to the King Size Mars and Snickers, all because a few fat, greedy idiots can't control themselves. This is not going to stop them, as they will simply eat two ordinary size bars or one "family" size one. Full Story

Supporters of Chancellor Gordon Brown's bid to become leader of the Labour Party have created a zombie version of the dour, penny pinching Scottish minister. It is thought that they will attempt to use the undead clone of the Chancellor to attack the Prime Minister, gaining control of the party for the real Gordon Brown. The possibility of a Zombie attack on Number Ten is thought to be the PM's greatest fear, higher even than his fear of being unpopular. Our nerdy weirdo columnist, Linux Darkstar, confuses the real world with the twisted fantasy world inside his head. Full Story

Bloated wig-wearing old queen, Elton John, has thrown a tantrum at Taipei Airport screaming at press and photographers calling them "Pigs, Pigs, Pigs". Sir Elton, who was on the last leg of his Asian tour, is thought to have been put out by the attention given to Cat Stevens at a US airport. Sir Elton is always up to make a show of himself, whether it's by wearing a ridiculous pantomime dame costume, or huge glasses. This time, he drew attention to himself by wearing an outrageous bright blue tracksuit, and launching himself at the press in the manner of an enraged goose. Full Story

Paranoid American immigration officials have refused former folk singer Cat Stevens entry into the US. Stevens who changed his name to Yusuf Islam and gave up singing to promote charitable causes, was shocked at the way he was treated. The former singer's flight to Washington was diverted to Maine where he was detained by the FBI, before being ordered to leave the country. The fact that Mr Islam is one of the most famous muslims in the world was apparently not enough to convince the FBI that he is not a potential terrorist. Simon Coggeshall has the following advice for Essex all-rounder Ronnie Irani: cancel that holiday to Florida and think about Italy or Spain instead. Full Story

The new Right to Roam maps are being published Sunday. This means that farmers will have to take down their barbed wire fences and allow hundreds of beardy men and strange women with wiry grey hair to wander all over their land, dressed in their red and orange Kagools. However, Farmers are a law unto themselves who are not afraid to shoot intruders, gypsies and burglars, so perhaps a there's a market for a bullet-proof Peter Storm rain jacket after all. Full Story

Business tossers who like to try and sound important in public and thick teenagers unable to do anything but stare moronically at their mobile phones while keying in illiterate drivel will welcome the news that the ban on using the phones on aeroplanes is about to be lifted. Hooray, this means that whenever you fly anywhere you are going to have to listen to some chimp boasting to their inbred relatives that they're "on the plane". Simon Coggeshall likes mobile telephones, but hates the majority of their users. Full Story

New clinical research due to be published this week is set to conclude that jokes about cannabis have "no effect" on most normal people, and that cannabis "humour" is simply ineffective, lazy and derivative. The report comes ahead of Government plans to legalise the use of cannabis related anecdotes and jokes by sufferers of certain long-term illnesses. White-coated, four-eyed scientists, who have spent the last two years and countless thousands of pounds investigating the use of cannabis related jokes and their effect on a selected group of volunteers, are due to publish their results next week. Full Story

Batman has caused a sensation in London by climbing onto the famous balcony at Buckingham Palace. He's the latest in a line of superheroes to protest for father's rights, after Spiderman's protests from Tower Bridge and the London Eye. Batman, who lost a bitter custody battle for his son Robin when he split up with Catwoman, is also the latest in a line of intruders to get through palace security. Last year, unfunny, unemployed idiot, Aaron Barschak tried to launch a career as a comedian by breaking into Prince William's birthday party dressed as Abdul Abulbul - Bernard Bresslaw's character in Carry On Follow That Camel. In 1981, a man dressed as Dickensian villain, Fagin, got into the Queen's bedroom and read her a story before being discovered and beaten to a pulp by palace guards. Full Story

North Korea's neighbours were woken up the other night by a huge explosion, which prompted both South Korea and China to call the Police. However, when the police arrived, the door was answered by North Korea's foreign minister who played down the incident, claiming it was just the sound of a door slamming. Full Story

Democrat campaigners have unearthed new evidence about George W. Bush's Vietnam-era service record, claiming that he spent the period of service hiding in a cupboard under the stairs. Bush has always tried to make out that the two years he spent as a floorsweeper in the Texas Junior Flufftail Chipmonk Air-Cubs is somehow equivalent to having served a tour of duty in Vietnam itself. However, new evidence throws doubt on this story and suggests instead that the young George W. did in fact spend the years 1964-1971 hidden among the mops and coats in his Nan's closet. Full Story

Tony Blair's newly appointed mate, Alan Milburn, has fired a clear warning to Gordon Brown that he is very much "The Daddy" in the upcoming election campaign. In his first day on the job, he stood up in front of the commons and offered Brown an invitation to meet him after Parliament, round the back of Big Ben near the bins. The two men have yet to clash but the Chancellor is reported to have told former cabinet minister and ginger, bulb-headed beardy, Robin Cook that he can "easy have Milburn". Our political correspondant, Andrew Marbles is getting excited at the prospect of a fight. Full Story

Three years ago, a multi-million dollar plan was hatched to capture aging rock outfit Genesis, put them into a rocket and fire them into the heart of the sun. To everybody's dismay, the craft has somehow found its way back to earth and is due to arrive today. Our space and science fiction/fantasy correspondant Linux Darkstar reports. Full Story

Tony Blair is set to reshuffe his cabinet this week, casting out those ministers he suspects may favour rival Gordon Brown in order to surround himself with his own cronies. Blair is said to have got together with his mates in a room to discuss how to oust the pro-Brown Work and Pensions Minister, Andrew Smith, who then resigned suddenly on Monday. With this reshuffle, the PM is sending out a clear message: "Don't mess with me, or you'll end up sacked, or killed", says Andrew Marbles. Full Story

George Bush's address at the Republican Convention amounts to little more than shouting "Yee Haw!" a few times and trying clumsily to attack his Democrat rival, John Kerry. Since coming to power, the Bush Administration has done absolutely nothing but start wars all over the Middle East, so they don't really have any achievements to talk about. The only thing they can do is try to make out that their actions are helping to prevent attacks by terrorists. Ah terrorism, a word that the Forest Gump, redneck can't even pronounce, let alone the fact that the stupid chimp has made the whole world a much more dangerous place than it's been for centuries, in just four years. Full Story

A new sedation method is now available for cry-baby children who are too scared and too pathetic to have dental treatment without being knocked spark out. The new method, details of which are to be published in Anaesthesia magazine, is designed to shut the little brats up so the dentist can get on with drilling their teeth hollow and filling them with a toxic mixture of heavy metals and resins. As someone who was himself a comically goofy child, before knocking both of his front teeth out on the side of hotel handbasin, the Binge gives his no-punches pulled verdict. Full Story

The Food Standards Agency has published a report claiming that Britain's schoolchildren are taking packed lunches full of fat, sugar, salt and chemicals. It's the latest in a long line of reports to attack Britian's children for being ugly, fat, lazy, thick, spoilt, useless little runts. This notion is being underlined by a slew of television programmes which follow groups of fat or thick children as they are sent to special schools and set tasks designed to show up their inadequacies, while being filmed for our entertainment. Aren't we missing the point here? These reports are surely intended to communicate to the adults, and in particular parents, that we're failing our kids by allowing them to choose what they eat and by taking no responsibilty over their health and education. However, it all goes over their stupid heads as they're sat on their sofas, pressing frozen pizzas into their own fat faces, and scoffing at and deriding the funny fat children on their television screen. Full Story

The Post Office has missed every single one of the fifteen targets it set for improving its dreadful performance. The service has had to cut costs after wasting billions of pounds on an embarrassing name change. Last year, the service changed its name to Conshitsticka, before discovering that this was an old Polish, which translates literally as "daylight robbery". This was quickly changed back again, at a cost of yet more billions, leaving the service no choice but to cut its costs by reducing its quality of service to a bare minimum in order to be still able to pay the huge bonus payments promised to its executives, whose stupid idea it was in the first place. Full Story

A former SAS officer has been convicted by a court in Trumpton of an attempted mercenary led miltary coup of the tiny state of Equatorial Chigley. The tiny state has remained long forgotten since the 1970s, when it was taken over by its current dictator, President Brian Cant, who proclaimed himself "god". It has recently become apparent that the previously pointless country has a rich oil supply, which has attracted interest from all sorts of corrupt businessmen such as Margaret Thatcher's goofy, idiotic, inept at map-reading, getting lost in the desert son, Mark who is also under house arrest in his Camberwick Green mansion. Full Story

Astonishing new claims that the Button Moon landings did not actually take place, but were instead faked in a London television studio are set to rock the world of Children's Television puppet space exploration. The claims have been made by a former BAE puppeteer in his new book, which is due to be published next month. Full Story

New Labour has announced a u-turn on its traditionally anti-competitive stance on school sports. Tony Blair has promised to re-introduce sporting competition into the school curriculum should Labour win the next election. This is seen by many as a positive thing, and a way to try to tackle the worryingly high percentage of really fat children that seem to have appeared in the last few years. However, it's probably no more than an empty promise, which has been timed to coincide with the Olympic Games, a cheap soundbite intended to help win public sympathy as we approach the next election. Full Story

A second investigation into what happenned to British-built Mars probe, Beagle 2, has failed to come to any conclusion after six months. The project team, led by Open University Professor Amos Brearley, was unable to pinpoint exactly what went wrong with the mission on Christmas Day 2003. Here at Eclectic House, we have just completed our own investigation into the probe's disappearance, which has taken Simon Coggeshall's crack team six long glasses of gin and tonic. Full Story

The traditional field rations of the British Tommy includes Bully Beef and boiled potatoes, and traditionally stodgy favourites like boiled beef and cabbage as well as stew and dumplings. Since the time of King George V, five cream crackers have been issued to every fighting man, in order to allow them to partake in the universally popular soldiers' passtime of playing The Biscuit Game. This is all about to change as the MOD is set to introduce some more international dishes to the range of long lasting, highly compact ration packs. Eclectic house's own food writer Michael Wiggy recalls his days in the army and casts his quite literally jaundiced eye over the new army menu. Full Story

Opposition leader, Michael Howard, has emerged from his corner kicking and screaming, promising to hit crime hard. The Tory leader is thought to have been reeling from Tony Blair's own crime speech of a few weeks ago, in which the Prime Minister set the mark much farther to the right than the Tories could have expected. Howard has also had to come to terms with losing his Guinness World record of most insanely right wing Home Secretary to current incumbent David Blunkett. With both parties promising tough anti-crime measures, will it be the finger shaking, fist waving, face gradually getting redder and redder, starting to spit, zero tolerance, shoot-first, ask questions later approach of the Tories or the self-satisfied, smug, thinking they know best, form filling, hand wringing, insincere smile wearing Blair way which seeks to treat criminals like VIPs? Full Story

It's the battle of the Jims! In the red corner, a smug and often offensive comedian, who has recently been seen by literally a few viewers as host of several must-miss television shows. In the blue corner, Jim Davidson. The fat, drunken, sexist, racist, washed-up, serial wife-beating pantomime king of dodgy car finance ads has been accused by sneering public school ponce, Jimmy Carr, of stealing one of his sexist jokes. The row raises the question as to whether jokes can be copyrighted, with the general consensus of opinion that, no they probably can't. Full Story

As the film adaptation of Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction story I-Robot hits our screens, it seems that it's time for most of the main news agencies to wheel out insane lunatic Kevin Warwick to make an absolute tit of himself on television and radio with his B-movie style predictions about the future, in which he is convinced that robots will take over the world. Warwick's comical appearances in the media are always guaranteed to make Simon Coggeshall angry. Full Story

The Spanish Government have thrown a fit over celebrations taking place on the Rock of Gibraltar to celebrate three hundred years of colonial rule. They have apparently taken exception to the Navy's decision to drive a huge battleship round the rock, firing guns and playing loud music all night. Most people in Spain would like to see the disputed territory, seized in 1704, returned to Spain, although the overwhelming majority of the people who live there are fat, Daily Mail reading, British ex-pats, who want it to remain British. Spain has accused Britain of insensitivity over the celebrations, while Shadow Home Secretary Michael Ancram has urged the Spanish Government to "Grow up". We got Simon to write this article in the knowledge that his unbiased stance would mange to offend not just the Spanish, but the British Government and the Gibraltarians in equal measure. Full Story

President George W. Bush has declared that the United States is a nation in great danger, after plans to attack US banks and financial institutions were apparenly found on a computer during a routine service by the Karachi branch of PC World. However, some sources are indicating that recently discovered intelligence may be out of date, inaccurate or simply made up. On top of that, we have just been asked to believe the findings of an "Inquiry", which suggests that nothing the intelligence services say is to be trusted anyway. So who do we believe? Andrew Marbles agrees that the US indeed in great danger: from the very real prospect that a warmongering chimp, who thinks he's Clint Eastwood, will get a second term as President, and that not even losing the election can stop him. Full Story

Democratic Party candidate John Kerry will take on George W. Bush in the upcoming presidential elections. With the two men currently running neck and red-neck in the polls, it's going to be close. It'll be tough for either man to lose such a close election, as President Bush knows after his own defeat in the 2000 elections nearly cost him the Presidency. The decision to go to war in Iraq will be something on which Kerry will be keen to focus, a decision that Bush seems to have made long before he actually got into office. Full Story

New Labour's latest marketing and PR exercise is an eight million pound leaflet campaign, aimed at scaring the public into forgetting all about false weapons claims in the run up to the war in Iraq. Do the pamphlets, which will be issued to every UK household, give valuable advice about what to do in the event of a major terrorist attack, or is the whole thing just the latest episode in a long line of insulting, patronising and ill-conceived nonsense? Full Story

The Duke of Edinburgh has apparently put his foot in it again, this time with a comment about wheelchair users. The Duke, famous for his deadpan delivery of insulting and offensive remarks, which are usually sexist and/or racist, has once again demonstrated his keen sense of total ignorance with yet another embarrassing gaffe. Full Story

Tony Blair has made a surprising decision to bring Peter Mandelson back to our screens, by commissioning a brand new series of the hilarious and popular sitcom about a well-meaning politician who is always getting himself into trouble as a consequence of hilarious and improbable mix-ups. In a fresh twist, the new series will be set in the European Parliament, which is expected to provide an even greater potential for comedic mishaps and misunderstandings as well as lots of old jokes involving various European stereotypes. Full Story

Tony Blair has promised a crackdown on crime, which effectively plays a trump card for the next election. His crackdown promises to outdo the tough measures promised by Michael Howard, the then Home Secretary, in the run-up to the 1997 elections. This serves to trump Howard, giving him nowhere to go on one of the Tories' own pet issues. Political correspondant Andrew Marbles agrees that the time has come to crack down on the small handful of individuals who are making life miserable for the vast majority of law abiding citizens, but can't think of a way to get Blair and Blunkett out. Full Story

A document giving details of how a terrorist attack could be launched on Heathrow Airport has apparently been found in a layby, by a "man". Acting like any normal person, he decided not to bother contacting the police, instead going straight to the Sun Newspaper. Full Story

Britons are being warned to brace themselves for a crippling rise in Council Tax as the Government have decided to use the over-inflated property market as an excuse to re-band everybody's homes. More protests are expected, but as was proven with the anti-war marches, they will have no effect whatsoever and will probably only serve to anger the Government, making them ever more determined to do it anyway. Full Story

Tony Blair has cleared the way for almost anybody to be able to call themselves a University. The move, which will enable small businesses, such as fish and chip shops to offer degree certificates, is seen by some as the final step in devaluing the whole system of Higher Education. Full Story

President George W. P. Coltrane has promised to "git" Iran if he wins the upcoming US presidential Elections. He seems undeterred by the fact that he already used the potential threat of Nuclear attack as a pretext for invading Iraq, and has been found out that they had no weapons all along. Full Story

The Conservative Party has gone missing. Nobody has seen or heard anything from the party for over a week, resulting in a launch of an official police search operation. Detective Inpsector David Screech announced today "If anybody has any information concerning the party's whereabouts, please come forward." The party was last seen in the newspapers over a week ago, but has since vanished. "It could be that they went on holiday without telling anyone, but it does seem a little bit strange for an opposition party, that we have seen or heard nothing of them". The alarm was raised by neighbours after they spotted a weeks worth of milk on the doorstep of the party's headquarters. Full Story

Transport Secretary Alistair Darling is due to publish his white paper today, in which he proposes a major shake up of the rail system. Running Britain's railways is a delicate balancing act of maximising profits for the rail companies, while providing the barest minimum of a service to the paying public and charging them as much as you can possibly get away with. Full Story

Lord Butler's report into the integrity of the intelligence that sent Britain to war in Iraq is published today. As expected, it rubbishes all of the claims made as valid reasons for the war. Tony Blair is expected to grin his way through his response and pig-headedly insist that despite all evidence to the contrary, he was right all along. Full Story

Former US President Bill Clinton is in the UK this week to sign copies of and promote his incredibly dull autobiography. During his two terms as President of the United States, Clinton attracted much criticism and is probably best remembered as the President who managed to get spunk all down the dress of a fat office junior. Full Story

It seems that every day another one of Blair's cabinet steps up with some ridiculous load of fucking cobblers that they expect us to take seriously. This time its the turn of bearded, jug-eared Education Muppet, Charles Clarke. Full Story

Comedy farmer, former landlord of the Woolpack Inn on Emmerdale Farm, and part-time space craft maker, Colin Pillinger has been unfairly critised by the official Beagle II Mars lander mission inquiry. Full Story

It looks like all of the blame for saying there was WMD in Iraq, when perhaps there wasn't, is going to fall at the feet of the US intelligence agency. The CIA looks set to take the rap over the whole fiasco, which will come as enormous relief to Bush and Blair. They can be expected within days to make speeches professing their integrity all along, in plenty of time for the next round of elections. Full Story