Music Articles

Boring U2 have apparently won loads of Grammies, the Annual award which honours the musical acts most likely to be bought by musically ignorant idiots who choose their CDs based on what's next to the crisps in Tescos. They beat a slew of other boring, artistically devoid acts such as packaged, pretend artist Kanye West and surgically and digitally enhanced warbler Mariah Carey. While lots of English people who pretend to be Irish celebrate, our fat music critic, Alex Pesticidus is unimpressed. Full Story

A bald, fat Irish man in his forties is set to fight accusations that he is in fact cross-dressing eighties drug addict, Boy George. Lawyers representing the ordinary, fat, bald and unremarkable fat bald man, whose only talent is crude, unfunny and barely disguised innuendo and making bitchy comments that reflect more sadly on him than any of his targets, say he is innocent of all charges of being a stupid hat wearing singer of a really rubbish pop act. Alex "Bald Fat" Pesticidus reports. Full Story

American record promoter Sean "fiddly diddly" Combs has announced his umpteenth change of name. If anybody is interested, or has bothered to keep up with the list of silly names he has called himself so far, I'd be surprised. Media and Ents correspondent Amanda Shadbolt drunkenly knocks up a quick article about celebrities and their silly names. Full Story

The big, big pop concert was enjoyed by millions, including a large proportion of idiots unable to say more than two words without resorting to using the word "amazing". Africa has been made safe for another twenty years, thanks to a terrible, yet typically flat performance by Dido, four old geezers from last of the Summer Wine shuffling through their boring set and Madonna desperately clinging onto a survivor of the 1985 famine in an ironic metaphor for the way she's been desperately clinging onto her shit career since 1985. The staff of Eclectic House were watching from a variety of locations. Full Story

Rubbish pretend pub band, Oasis, are still going after ten years, and still can't play their instruments, sing, compose songs or write lyrics. This is another indication of how stupid the British public are, since they have been prepared to think of these annoying and boring idiots as a band for a decade now, simply because the tabloids say that they are. Alex Pesticidus was supposed to go to and review their gig at the Astoria, which is only about five minutes walk from Eclectic House, but probably never made past the pub on the corner. Full Story

Britons everywhere are becoming sick of the sight of this pissed up, over-rated twat on the front of their newspapers. His musical "career" comprises one shit, poorly played album with the ludicrously over-rated Libertines, then a drug and alcohol binge which has lasted about a year. The clueless middle-class fashion wankers at the NME have voted him the coolest man of the year, which should be a clue to normal people, who aren't desperate to try and look cool, as to just how shit he actually is. His new "band" is called something like "Totalbollocks", and they're even worse than The Libertines, so the total arsewipes at the NME will love them. Alex Pesticidus has nothing against getting pissed and behaving badly, but it only works if you're actually a good and unique musician to begin with. Full Story

The world of Rock music cannot fail to be uninterested in the news that the three posh children, whose pretend little pop group that nobody over the age of twelve has heard of, have decided to split up. Their many fans will be disappointed, but most of them will soon get over it. Many will simply grow out of it as they reach their teens and start to take an interest in music. Meanwhile, their younger fans will be easily convinced that they like whatever the next rubbish act children's television tells them. Hardest hit will be those few adult idiots, who should be old enough to know better, but some reason share the same tastes as children and (not particularly intelligent) teenagers. Alex Pesticidus, whose blood is eighty percent vodka and who often wakes up on roundabouts or in ditches, is rock and roll through and through. He explains why he thinks Busted could never be. Full Story

Rod Stewart, everybody's favourite gravel voiced, pretend Scottish, feather-cutted ladies' man is Sixty years old. To mark the leopard skin leotard wearing one's special day, we conducted a special survey in the Saloon bar of the Rat and Conker to try and answer once and for all the question: "Do ya think I'm sexy?". The good news for Rod is that our results show a surprising number of "yes" answers. The bad news though, is that they are invariably not from people he would normally consider to be his type, with every one them failing to meet at least three of Rod's strict list of criteria. The list, which we publish here for the first time, consists of the following: blond, female, under thirty, good-looking and having no mental health issues/alcoholism. For example, our Wine and Travel writer Gilly Prior-Reclinique is a big fan of the tartan mod, but despite being among the best of the "yes" bunch, only barely satisfies the first two criteria. Alex Pesticidus is supposed to be the Music columnist, but you'd be forgiven for not realising this after reading his latest article. Full Story

A Cambridge vicar has expressed his outrage and disappointment at Cambridge City Council's decision to invite aging punk-style band, The Damned, to switch on the city's Christmas lights. "We usually have Christopher Biggins", explained Reverend Stephen Leeke of St. Martin's Church, "as if that isn't bad enough. God alone knows how they managed to sink lower even than that. It's not as if this lot are appropriate for this sort of thing. We usually have somebody that at least two or three people have heard of". Alex Pesticidus is surprised that the band are still going, having managed to stretch one simple musical idea over twenty-five years. Full Story

The Music press is making a fuss about the fact that both Oasis and Blur will appear on the new Band Aid single. In the mid-nineties, the tossy music tabloids such as NME invented a pretend "war" between the two acts and now they're desperately trying to convince us we're interested in them, or in another remake of Do they know it's Christmas. Alex Pesticidus finds it difficult to stop yawning while writing his article. Full Story

The three posh children who make up the pretend band Busted have declared their support for Michael Howard and the Tories. This is not such a great victory for Mr Howard however, as the group's fans are all under 12 years old and ineligible to vote for at least another six years, by which time the three middle-class ponces and their embarrassing, child's group will long be forgotten, while their now grown-up fans will be pretending never to have heard of them. On the other hand, Andrew Marbles is a cynical man who is depressed at the thought of all the stupid sheeplike parents who do whatever their revolting children want, such as buying Sunny Delight, being influenced in the way they vote. Full Story

Simon Fuller is to sue Simon Cowell. Who the hell are they and why should anybody with an IQ of over 50 care less. Well, they're both ugly tosspots who have commited crimes against music by unleashing onto the world a string of the worst manufactured pap imaginable. To the untrained eye, they are indistinguishable. Eclectic House has its own Simon, who happens to be far nastier, and far bitchier with the added bonus that he's not in his sixties and trying and failing to look and dress as if he's in his thirties. He gives his verdict on their performances. Full Story

Franz Ferdinand have taken this year's Mercury Music Prize in what the band themselves describe as a victory for proper rock music. Here at Eclectic House, we rather like the band despite the fact they are trying a little too hard to look like seventies group Television. They are also the first Scottish band for ages who don't make Alex Pesticidus want to slit his own throat. Full Story

Sir Cliff's appalling Millenium Prayer has been voted worst ever number one single in a poll taken from a selection of magazine reading idiots. Although Cliff's single was piss fucking poor, the standard of the charts has always been at the absolute gutter level, and we have had years of such shit. Who remembers "One day at a time sweet Jesus?" for example, or "Shadduppa You Face"? Surely the worst ever was actually "Grandma we love you" by the pink cardigan wearing, bowl cut sporting, teeth missing, lisping little shits of St. Winifred's wanky choir. We present Eclectic House's worst ever records, which may or may not have been number one. As if we even care about the charts. Full Story

Members of over-rated Irish band U2 are reeling after the theft of their new album. The police search continues amid fears that the record will be posted on the internet. A police spokesman said "We can only pray that this doesn't happen, because the consequences could be dire. After all they haven't done anything even half-way decent since 'War'." Full Story

Nobody takes any notice of record reviews when deciding whether or not buy an album. Our record reviewer Alex Pesticidus likes to write his reviews free of the prejudice that comes from having listened to the record. Instead he makes his mind up by looking at the cover art, looking at the names of the song titles and reading some of the lyrics. If he still can't make up his mind, a quick look on the web can soon help round off a well researched review. Full Story