Brosnan says farewell to Bond

Alex Pesticidus, London 28th July 2004

All actors that play bond have to face a dilemma. Do they milk the highly lucrative franchise until they are so old, that even the die-hardest of fans can no longer find them credible? Or do they turn down easy money in order to get back into "proper acting" before it's too late?

Brosnan is thought to have been unhappy with the production values on the last film, which featured Sit-com couple Judi Dench and Geoffrey Palmer in a weird sort of repeat of "As time goes by". Sources say that he decided to call it quits after seeing the draft of the new script, which included parts for John Inman as an effeminate sales assistant, Melvyn Hayes as an army drag artiste, Michael Crawford in a beret and brown raincoat and that woman off of Citizen Smith and Eastenders, who says "Ooh, Foxy".

The question is, will Brosnan break free of the curse of always being seen as James Bond, or has he already left it too late? If he does break free, does that then mean he was a shit bond? Sean Connery has managed to get it just right. He's still Bond, but he's also lots of other characters as well, for example, a convincing Irish Policeman in "The Untouchables". Roger Moore is still really only recognised as a former Bond, although he's also known as "The Saint". As for that Australian one and the other Welsh bloke, they are largely forgotten for their Bonds, but they also aren't in anything else much either. After turning down a second Bond move, George Lazenby carved a career as a Hotel Dustbin Scavenger, while Timothy Dalton has had nearly one book published.

An actor will always fear being typecast, but in the case of Coronation Street's Ken Barlow (actor Ken Barlow), it can occasionally prove to be an advantage. In the sixty years he's been patiently and boringly playing himself in the Northern soap, he has seen his salary rise to a whopping nine figures. Conversely, Todd Carty is an actor of great versatility, with a history of television roles as diverse as Grange Hill's Tucker Jenkins ("Flippin' 'eck, Benny), followed by Mark Fowler in Eastenders (flippin' 'eck, Ian) and finally as a policeman the Bill ("Flippin' 'eck, Sarge!") and yet he will always be cursed by his first role.

The only thing anyone is really interested in though, is the question of who will be the next on her majesty's secret service. Here are our own tips:

• Some American actor, who's recently been in some load of old shit like the X-men. No-one outside of Illinois knows who the fuck he is and his "English" accent is worse than Dick Van-Dyke's appalling effort. Or that bloke from the Hulk, who actually only acted for about five minutes, and whose part for the rest of the one hundred and ten missable minutes was played by a computer graphic.
• Coronation Street's Ken Barlow. The People's Choice, at long last he's finally old enough to start playing the role he was simply born for.
• Cliff Richard. At 63, the Peter Pan of Pop is probably too young for the role at this stage.
• Sean Connery. At 143, Connery is ready to step back into the Patent Leather Brogues that first made his name in the 1860's. The only problem is that, despite being a strong supporter of an Independent Scotland, it's unlikely that he will be persuaded to leave his home in America. All is not lost however, as the producers have already been discussing the possibly of his playing the part by phone and/or by post.
• Leslie Phillips. Another popular choice. At 93, the silver tongued ladies man is about the ideal age. Ding Dong!
• Des Lynam. The smooth talking, moustachioed sports presenter is a huge favourite with the ladies. The over-seventies ladies, that is.
• Jim Carey. Despite having no charisma, or talent, it is thought that Carey is still in with a chance, as he can just use his trademark grin at the camera to produce a forgettable un-comedy moment.
• Ross Kemp: The bald actor's talent is undiscernable and he can certainly come across as tough, whether he's playing an uncompromising ex-SAS man, a barely believable barrister or himself in Eastenders.