Election Special

We're just getting into the swing of things here at Eclectic House, as we prepare to set off on a historical evening. The sense of excitement is palpable as we embark upon the long night ahead. Who knows what twists and turns the events of tonight will bring as we get ever further into the many crates of gin we've got set up ready. The office plasma screen is gone, destroyed after the England-Portugal match. In its place a ceiling mounted projector. The back wall of the office will survive the numerous bottles and items of office equipment that will no doubt be thrown at it during the course of tonight's marathon session. All the talk is over and it's down to the polls. The only story this evening is Sunderland's ridiculous obsession with being the first to return its results. Full Story

As the big day draws ever closer, it looks like there's only one way to get the public interested, and that's to have a competition in which really piss poor covers of dreadful pop songs are sung in front of a panel of absolute wankers. Britain's huge majority of ugly, fat, thick people can then vote using their mobile phone, or the red button on their Sky box. Alex Pesticidus reports. Full Story

Michael Howard has upped the stakes in the Election campaign, by calling Blair a liar. Even though we all know he is indeed a smug lying bastard, this is still highly controversial stuff. Normally, leaders of opposition parties would never make such a direct accusation, and would instead rely on insinuation. Andrew Marbles is very excited, especially since he's been on the Bombay Sapphire. Full Story

We are all about to be spanked hard for more tax as our houses are all rebanded, with the frankly pathetic excuse that our houses are "worth more". Even if they are (which in real terms they're not), why the fuck does this mean the council needs more money off us? Some say it's Brown's stealth tax, and it probably is. Andrew Marbles. Full Story

Tony Blair launched his party's manifesto today, which is a 400 page novel explaining how brilliant he thinks he is. This is in stark contrast to Michael Howard's manifesto, which was just a series of bullet points biroed on the back of a beermat. Blair's book has been designed to appeal to the sort of people who enjoyed Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, and employs a similar tactic of seeming to be clever on the surface to people who don't read proper books, when in reality it's just a load of old bollocks with occasional themes taken from other works. Andrew Marbles reports. Full Story

Ahhhhh! Everyone loves a baby. Blair and Howard must be kicking themselves that they didn't think of this. It's the most obvious way to win over floating voters - have a baby. However, it could yet backfire since there's a high a probability that the baby will be ginger, which could turn floating voters, and even some staunch Lib-Dems away from the party. Full Story

Another embarrassing blow for the Tories' campaign came today when Dorset South candidate Ed Matts admitted doctoring a photograph of himself and Ann Widdecombe by using computer technology to alter the messages on placards they are holding. Our computer nerd, Linux Darkstar, reports. Full Story

A few weeks ago our Sportswriter, Robert Binge, compared the leaders of the three main parties. Today it's Sir Michael Wiggy's turn, as he casts his lecherous old sexagenarian eye at the leader's wives, to assess the role that they will play in this election. Full Story

Tony Blair gave an impromptu display of his body popping skills in front of an excited throng of papparazzi this afternoon. The snappers were treated to a three minute routine in which the Prime Minister performed a series of Eighties old-school moves, in the style of a robot. Michael Howard has already condemned the display as a gimmicky show, claiming Blair is smug and over-confident in the way he announced the date of the General Election. The carefully choreographed display was almost certainly the work of Blair's publicity machine, which is gearing up to full kilter as we head for the 5th May showdown. Our political correspondant, Andrew Marbles, is drunk on excitement about the election, as well as being pissed off his face on cider. Full Story

Tory leader Michael Howard has urged police to "get stuck in" to criminals who reckon they're a bit tasty as he outlines a very different approach to crime than practised by the current government. Under Blair, criminals have been rewarded for repeat offences, while old ladies who genuinely forget to renew their road tax have been fined and given criminal records. Howard's going to give back to the Police the power to strike without asking questions. Are we about to go from one extreme to another. Marbles is awake again after nearly a week of gin induced coma. Full Story

Stamp. Duty. Duty. Stamp. Aha ha ha. Just like that. Gordon Brown's new budget is a magic trick worthy of Tommy Cooper himself. Michael Howard has called it "Vote now, Pay later" although he probably doesn't know just how accurate that statement is. He was of course referring only to the fiscal implications of the latest budget, but Andrew Marbles is convinced that it applies perfectly to the whole spectrum of government. Full Story

Blair's terror plans lie in tatters, because as predicted, they are simply not going to get through the Lords. In fact, they wouldn't even get through Lord's Cricket ground. Blair's dogged pursuit of his Police State has seen him increasingly isolated, as he shouts his mantra ever louder. A huge circle has now opened up around him and he finds himself alone like one of those embarrassing, drunk tramps on a train, in an huge empty space with people pretending to ignore him. How is the modern-day Houdini going to get out of this one? Andrew Marbles has the answer. Full Story

Jug-eared beardy Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, has revealed his plans to fight terror. Putting a bag over his head would be a good start. The new legislation is going to be the usual ill-thought out mess, which will be passed through a disinterested commons before being laughed out by the Lords. Clarke's only Home Secretary until the Election is over, which ever way it goes and there's no way he's going to hold on to that job if Labour win. While the Tories have surprised us by suddenly starting to say things about policies, Labour are left only with the scare-mongering terror card. Andrew Marbles is sick of it all. Full Story

To kick off the first of our election special reports, our Sports Writer and politically apathetic idiot, Robert "The Binge" Binge, has come up with his own system to determine which of the three main party leaders is the best. His system contains virtually no political analysis, and even less journalistic integrity. It is, however, probably quite close to the way in which most people will think about the election before not bothering to vote. Full Story