English Heritage, in their lentil-eating beardy wisdom, have decided that they need to attract more visitors to Stonehenge. Most visitors to the henge tend to be the sort of people who have an interest in the site itself, and as such don't really come to spend money, partly because they are not consumer-minded sheep, but also because a large number of them tend to be tight-fisted beardy ramblers on cheapskate walking and camping holidays.
If the site is to make any real money, then it must attract the large groups of ugly, thick families with short attention spans, who are forced to spend their money continuously when on holiday, otherwise their vegetable like minds are unable to cope with being away from their television sets. To pull in these sorts of visitors, English Heritage need to invest in the right type of attractions, such as greasy burger bars, shops selling hideous souvenirs and a fun fair.
The example they hope to follow is that set by Chessington World of Adventures, which revamped its image in the late Seventies, changing itself from a poorly attended zoological gardens, into a gaudy, tacky fun fair to which millions flock every year. A few of the zoo's more popular animals were taken and made to perform tricks, or be poked with sticks by the baying crowd of fat children and their equally repugnant parents, while the rest were left to rot in their cages. This way, the former zoo not only started making money hand-over-fist, it also saved a fortune on looking after a large collection of exotic animals. "We did some basic cost analysis and put in place a plan to reduce our overall cost structure expenditure, whilst creating some new and exciting revenue generation opportunities", explained Martin Scrunt of JPP Associates using the proper wanky management consultancy terminology.
Sir Neil Cobblers, chairman of English Heritage said "We're very excited about this project. For years, Stonehenge has been out of touch and out of date. It's time it was brought up to the standards we expect in the 21st century, giving it the same level of facilities to enable it to compete with other attractions in the area". By this he means that it will become a huge theme park, where the stench of onion and mechanically recovered meat, fried in dirty cooking oil, hangs heavy in the air. This background stink is periodically augmented with the strong aroma of urine, emanating from the filthy toilets. Screaming fat children run out of control, climbing and clambering over everything, while every which way you look, you see obese, thick families pushing unfeasibly large and ugly babies in huge pushchairs. Doughy women and bald, neckless, ape-like men shuffle around, mechanically pressing a never ending succession of disgusting, greasy burgers into their stupid vacant faces. Surrounding the whole obscenity is a vast expanse of concrete, which serves as a car park for thousands of ugly four-wheel drive vehicles and people carriers. Like all modern, family orientated visitor centres, it will cost about two quid approximately every seven seconds of the thoroughly miserable time spent there.